THE LONGEST DAY OF THE YEAR

   

   Summer time has almost arrived and the living's easy. We may be a month away from the official start, but tonight's feature will ignore that because we are talking about Agnes Varda's new wave classic Cleo From 5 to 7 (1962). I hope you folks haven't grown tired of the recent emphasis on the French New Wave. One of my problems with life is a tendency to fixate my focus, as it were, and Varda's film remains worthy of obsession. 
   The movie begins June 21, as the sun--so we are told--passes from Gemini into Cancer, a fact that does not endear the fretting Cleo much to reality because hers is a world that only mimics such illusions as pain and grief. She is a pop singer, crooning out tunes written for her by a pianist composer and lyricist. Not even a chanteuse may avoid death, or its antecedents, and as the movie begins we learn that Cleo (Corrine Marchand) believes herself to have stomach cancer. The fortune teller's tarot cards don't quite confirm this suspicion, but they certainly fail to rule it out. 
    This startlingly well-framed and vibrant movie runs in the real time between five and seven, the hours when, as French legend holds, lovers come together. But Cleo hasn't interest in things as potentially tragic as real love. She hides within the safety of a sterile flat with a maid and two kittens, plus the frequent drop-in of assorted visitors, including a boyfriend who can't be bothered with drawing close, a girlfriend who works as a nude figure model for struggling sculptors, and the girlfriend's beau, a film projectionist who treats them and us to a clever short film within the film, one starring director Jean-Luc Godard and actor Anna Karina.
    I began the previous paragraph with the statement that this movie is well-framed. Agnes Varda was originally a still photographer. Perhaps nothing in still photography bores a viewer as much as a well-composed image. In a moving picture, however, especially one that moves along with the click of the clock, the composition of extended shots is nothing short of unnerving. The overwhelming documentary feel of Cleo From 5 to 7 transforms the audience's center of gravity with the colliding poetry of visuals that dance along like iambic pentameter. Whether the frame holds a man's face as he proceeds to swallow live frogs or the countenances of Cleo and Antoine punctuated with the visage of an old woman waiting to board the street car they are standing upon, every twenty-fourth of a second of this movie--each frame of film--declares itself an unselfconscious portrait of Parisian mischief. Try as she might, Cleo cannot escape the impending harshness she imagines around every corner, upon every cobblestone, within each line of transient dialogue. Walking through a cafe, she drops a coin in the jukebox slot to fill the room with one of her own recordings, only to be met with a remark from a woman to a man about not being able to hear because of the "noise." 
    Things really happen in this movie, just as things really happen in Breathless and The 400 Blows. It is not how things happen but how what happens is told that distinguishes much of French new wave from other movements. It certainly distinguishes Varda and her work from the rest of the new wave. Despite the nearly androgynous sensibilities of Godard and Truffaut in, respectively, Masculin Feminin and Jules et Jim, they yearn for balance, whereas Agnes makes no such concession. This movie is about a woman, by a woman, and for the feminine part of both men and women. Femininity is not a glandular condition. It is a reflection of the pre-existing ideas that other people possess about a given person in a particular place and time. That reflection--and it's no coincidence that so many mirrors populate this movie--comes in large part from pop culture, the very culture that created the character Cleo purports to be. She uses and gets used in turn. What she cannot do, somehow, is hurt others, even though she remains convinced--at least until she meets Antoine--that the world exists to do her in. The doctor she meets at the film's conclusion delivers his prognosis with the detachment a biology freshman might bring to a dissected frog. 
    Yet Cleo still has Antoine. She has him for another hour. Then his train leaves for Algiers. 

GETTING ALONG

   

   Theories arise because facts cannot speak for themselves.
   Here are some facts, juxtaposed for emphasis. 
   The first set represents the 2012 military expenditures of the top fifteen military powers on earth. The list is courtesy the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute.
   United States           $682,000,000,000
   China                       $166,000,000,000
   Russia                      $90,000,000,000
   United Kingdom    $60,000,000,000
   Japan                       $59,000,000,000
   France                      $58,000,000,000
   Saudi Arabia           $56,700,000,000
   India                         $46,100,000,000
   Germany                  $45,800,000,000
   Italy                          $34,000,000,000
   Brazil                        $33,100,000,000
   South Korea            $31,700,000,000
   Australia                  $26,200,000,000
   Canada                     $22,500,000,000
   Turkey                      $18,200,000,000
   
    
   Perhaps the second list may tie this together. Which countries have the largest per capita active military personnel? The top ten are, in descending order, as follows:
North Korea, South Ossetia, Eritrea, Israel, Iraq, Brunei, Greece, Jordan, Armenia, and Singapore.     The United States ranks 57th on the list of per capita active military personnel. Every country on the list of those above regarding military spending ranks higher than the USA. So even though all other countries spend less on warfare than the United States, we have less personal investment in our official armed forces. 
   
   However, our final list, courtesy of the Global Militarization Index, is perhaps the most fascinating of all. The GMI ranks nations by the relative weight and importance of the military compared to other significant aspects of a country's culture. In other words, it gives a pretty fair assessment as to how the people in a given country feel the presence of their military. The top ten here, in descending order, are:
Israel, Singapore, Syria, Russia, Jordan, Cyprus, Kuwait, South Korea, Greece and Saudi Arabia. Visit or live in any of these countries and you will sense a very real military/police presence all around you. How then does the United States, with the largest global expenditures rank on this list? The USA comes in 31st, right below Portugal and above Iran. 
   One might assume that our need for military is connected to the amount we spend. One might also conclude that the spending would correlate with visibility. In the case of the United States, this is simply not the case.  

Countries on GMI list that also appear on military expenditures list:
Russia
South Korea
Saudi Arabia
Countries on GMI list that also appear per capita active military list:
Israel
Singapore
Jordan
Greece

   It might be argued that the prospects of terrorism have made such concepts as perception irrelevant. That would be incorrect. According to an intense study conducted by Britain's Aon Risk Solutions, the United states--which spends more than any other country on military and which does not have much individualized awareness of a need for or presence of armaments, is at a low risk for terrorist attacks in the coming year. The rankings are negligible, low, medium, high and severe. Countries with severe rankings include Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Syria, and about half the continent of Africa. Only Uruguay, Greenland, Finland, Japan and Australia are ranked as less likely than the United States to suffer a terrorist attack. 
    So why then does the United States spend so much more money than all other countries on so-called defense? Could it have anything to do with the propensity for going to war?
   One final list, then. A group known as the Global Peace Index ranked 153 for the year 2011 in terms of its inclinations toward peacefulness. The GPI used twenty-three indicators of the existence or absence of peace, including ongoing domestic and international conflicts, safety and security in society, and militarization. The ten most peaceful countries, according to GPI, are Iceland, New Zealand, Japan, Denmark, Czech Republic, Austria, Finland, Canada, Norway and Slovenia. Where did the United states rank? We came in eighty-second, just one notch above Bangladesh. The worst of the countries was Somalia. 

WILD OATS

   

   It's not every night of the week that I find myself engaged in wondering about what movies actress Angie Dickinson favors, but last night I made an exception. The mate and I were scrolling through the channels when we caught the tail-end of Dog Day Afternoon. The remote guide said the next movie up on Turner Classic might be an uncharacteristic joy, so we decided to stick around. After a bit of self-promotion, the channel returned to "host" Robert Osbourne. Seated across from him was the aforementioned former star of TV's "Police Woman," as well as featured performer in Dressed to Kill and Pay It Forward. To my admitted amazement, Dickinson explained to the host that she had first seen the object of tonight's review when it had come out in 1959 and had been impressed with how this movie had substantially differed from the Hollywood-style movies to which she was accustomed. 
    That quite succinctly sums up the unending appealing for which the movie The 400 Blows holds for its legend of fans. 
   This movie and Godard's Breathless virtually birthed the French new wave of film-making. Personally, I find that Jean-Luc's sensibilities suit the shattered shards of glass that are my nervous system more neatly than do Francois Truffaut's. Still, it would be a wasted life to go on for one hundred years without having at least seen this beautiful movie about the travails of young Antoine Doinel, played by Jean-Pierre Leaud. But in case you miss him as a child, you can catch him later in Antoine and Colette, Stolen Kisses, Bed and Board, and Love on the Run. Each film follows the non-exploits of our young Antoine at various stages of his development. You could drop a feather on any of these movies and knock them completely out of kilter, a fact which speaks less of the fragility of the movies than of the carelessness of those who would drop feathers. 

Images

MOLE MEN

    

    American businessman Allen Klein died, perhaps fittingly, on July 4th, 2009, of Alzheimer's disease. If you know his name at all, you likely know it because of his actions as one-time business manager for The Rolling Stones and somewhat later for The Beatles. Klein was an amazing charlatan and ruthless adversary. He also possessed a savage, streetwise and almost Zen-like ability to charm people when he wanted, or when he sensed that certain people needed to be charmed. For instance, after buying out former manager Andrew Loog Oldham's share of the Rolling Stones, he learned that each band member held a share of a British music publishing company called Nanker Phelge. Klein set up a U.S. company with the same name and advised the Stones to sign on, which they did, unknowingly giving away the proceeds of their own recordings through 1970. Klein went on to charm no less a figure than John Lennon with his knowledge of the latter's songwriting, leading the chief Beatle to convince all but Paul McCartney to sign on with Klein. Lennon quickly changed his tune, as it were, when Klein began expressing concerns over the viability of Yoko Ono's music. 
    But on one point Lennon and Klein very much agreed. Both men loved the movie El Topo (1970), directed by and starring Chilean artist Alejandro Jodorowsky. John instructed Allen to buy the rights to the film and Klein happily obliged. The movie played in the major markets for six months, invariably at either midnight or later, becoming, in its own way, the first of the so-called Midnight Movies. 
   Some viewers found the movie vaguely obscene because of the rivers of gore, violence, sexual perversity, and exploitation of people with deformities (for instance, in one memorable scene, we are treated to a man with no legs being carried by a man with no arms). Other people thought it was a great stoner flick, while many, including critic Gene Siskel, claimed it was a big yawn. 
    There remains some validity to each of these interpretations.
    Controversy often sells, as does obscenity, perversion and even boredom, so Klein wanted Jodorowsky to direct the upcoming production of The Story of O. Alejandro was not interested and said as much. In spite, Klein withdrew El Topo from circulation for decades and it was not until 2005 that the film was legitimately available on DVD or otherwise. 
   The movie itself remains amazing, far more than an artifact of a drug-saturated era. Many people have argued over the value and sense of the film's use of symbolism--Western Christian in some regards, Eastern mystical in others--but for me that's the least interesting aspect of the movie. I don't necessarily care one way or another about the symbolism of a lamb sitting on a trap door leading to the home of one of the master gunfighters. Even the storyline--which is occasionally hilarious and somewhat more often sickening--interests me far less than the film's visual integrity, if one may use such a word. 
   Anyone who struggles with this film's symbolism is going to grow frustrated (the director himself said that only "tuned-in" people would get it, something that probably excludes me, among a few others) and anyone who clings to a need for dramatic plot is going to get sleepy right away. The long term interest in El Topo is, as I say, with the visuals. The movie is shot in the desert, in roughly the style of a spaghetti western. Yet anyone hoping for a satire of the conventions of Sergio Leone will suffer long. Rather than parody those conventions, Jodorowsky shoots them full of holes. "How will we survive here in the desert without water?" asks the woman Mara--named for bitter sweet agua. The Man in Black shoots the top off a monolith and out springs a geyser. One may find that amusing or not, but a film crammed to the gils with this kind of monkeyshines can be downright delightful, as long as you can get beyond the gruesome scenes of animal savagery committed against the monks by the colonel and his hyena-men. 
    El Topo is ultimately religious cinematic poetry. Divided into two parts, the first resembles, loosely, elements of the Old Testament, just as the second, very loosely, reflects the New. 
   Maybe the appeal of this movie is, as Pauline Kael wrote at the time, "a violent fantasy head-comics." Certainly the drive for self-discovery by the lead character comes across these days as corny, if not trite. Still, I suspect there's more than a little autobiographical insight, unless you think Alejandro was just trying to save money by casting himself in the lead role. Autobiographical psychoanalytical projection might also explain why Allen Klein felt so betrayed that he held onto the movie until his own son finally ordered its release. 

THE DANGER IN FIGHTING MONSTERS

   

   A jury in Phoenix today found Jodi Arias guilty of first degree murder. A few days ago, Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight were rescued in west Cleveland after being held captive as sex slaves for almost ten years. And Karla Faye Tucker, executed by the State of Texas in 1998, remains dead.
   These three events share more than a little commonality. All three involve what might charitably be called a breakdown in inter-gender relations. All three involve the perpetration of crimes which eclipse the imagination. And as the revelations of each of these events were released, the public expressed a considerable amount of disturbing delight.
    I have been motivated to write this article because of the rampant backlash against women in the popular media. Whether it's the active aggression of a lout such as Howard Stern or Rush Limbaugh, or the more passive yet real woman-haters such as actor Michael Douglas or politician Mitt Romney ("Binder? I just met her!"), the preponderance of misogynistic behavior has become chic.
    Since the Tucker story is the oldest, perhaps a few details will jog the memory. In 1983, Karla Faye Tucker, during the commission of a burglary with her boyfriend Danny Garrett, repeatedly pick-axed the heart of a woman named Deborah Thorton. Tucker later told friends that with every swing of the pick-ax, she experienced orgasms. She also assisted in the murder of Jerry Dean, the man she and her boyfriend intended to rob. While awaiting trial for murder, she became what is known as a born again Christian. After her death sentence was pronounced, many Christian organizations appealed to the state's governor, a young George W. Bush, to commute her sentence to life imprisonment based on the fact of Karla's conversion. The governor mocked these pleas by impersonating Tucker and saying, "Ooh, ooh, please don't kill me." She was executed by lethal injection on February 3, 1998, the first woman executed in Texas since 1863. 
    In the case of the three (or more) kidnapped Cleveland women, Ariel Castro (with or without the complicity of his two brothers who lived with him), allegedly abducted the women while they were in their teens. According to initial police reports, the brothers kept their victims in chains during the first several years of their captivity, eventually allowing them to move about behind locked doors. At least one child was born to one of the victims during this imprisonment.
   No one will be terribly troubled if Ariel Castro gets shot through the skull as he is being transported from one jail to another. 
    Jodi Arias today was convicted of the remarkably savage murder of her boyfriend, Travis Alexander. According to the coroner's report, Alexander was stabbed twenty-seven times, shot in the head, and his throat had been cut. Arias' conviction today of first degree murder means that the death penalty will be an option for the jury during the penalty phase of the trial. 
    It is not so much the media fascination with these three cases that amazes me. After all, because these three crimes were committed by members of one gender against members of another, there's some inherent sexual tension involved. That is, of course, the type of thing on which the media breeds itself. If the media digs its claws into a story long and deep enough, the public will usually follow along. No big surprises there. 
    What does interest me is the nature of the public reaction. Outside the Maricopa County Superior Courthouse this afternoon, at the announcement of the televised delivery of the guilty verdict, many in the crowd raised their fists in some curious spirit of unity around the concept of "justice," while others cheered and danced various jigs of delight. The victim in this case was Mormon. Mesa, Arizona, where the crime occurred, was settled by Mormons. Kill a Mormon in Mesa, expect to die. Still, I have no reason to believe that all those clinched fists of righteous indignation belonged to members of any particular religious cult. They had likely been caught up in the drama, much as an earlier generation had asked the question, "Who shot J.R.?" Of course, J.R was a fictional character played by Larry Hagman. Then again, it's no accident that the writers of the show "Dallas" decided to hang the shooting on a woman. 
    Another reason that I suspect the crowd outside and the even larger number of people watching the telecast from home were so emphatic in their support of "justice for Travis" is that Jodi Arias came across through the television cameras as a decidedly unlikable defendant. Despite a strikingly misshapen proboscis, she remains at least moderately attractive. She also comes across as remorseless and smug, which was about all the prosecution needed to exploit during her eighteen days on the witness stand. 
    Ariel Castro will not be selected to participate in a bachelor auction forthcoming on Bravo. The same holds true for his brothers. I haven't heard reports that Ariel is contrite. However, he is spilling his guts. That won't be enough to save him. The only situations in which Americans favor female slavery is when they are married to the slaves or import them from overseas. 
    Karla Faye Tucker, whatever else she may have been in the realm of the celestial, defies most definitions of classic beauty. Her probably genuine remorse for living a violent and drug-crazed life was inadequate for a terrestrial forgiveness. There is something about the suggestion of sexual gratification at the death of another which is so putrid that Tucker had no real hope of survival. 
    The only other major detail that unites these three news items is that in all three stories it has been the women to whom the media addressed the overwhelming majority of attention. It doesn't even matter whether the women were victims or perpetrators. There is a reason for that. These days, more than at any other time in my memory, the presumed sexuality of a woman is enough to garner fame or infamy. From the (to me) inexplicable popularity of Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus to the pseudo-existences of Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan, the mere suggestion of sexual or especially promiscuous activity involving today's female-media focus is more than enough to surge the mass mind into hypnotic acceptance. 
    What has any of this to do with justice? Well, that's exactly the point. It has nothing to do with justice whatsoever. In the same way that semi-functional chanteuses such as Mariah Carey get far more attention than intelligent and creative singers such as Cindy Lee Berryhill and Lucinda Williams, the urge to go extreme with women as either victims or villains is far out of proportion with the events themselves. 
   Have I mentioned that I am opposed to capital punishment?
   That said, I must concede that the crimes in Cleveland really are phenomenal in the breadth of their evil. One could easily get the impression, however, that every woman in that city had been in imminent danger of falling prey to the three scumbags on the west side. The implication titillates --and in all the wrong ways. The message becomes "Don't trust anybody because your perceived sexuality will get you in trouble, unless you grow up to be a bombshell, in which case leading men to think of you only in sexual terms is beneficial." 
    Look, I don't think I'm naive. Some real monsters exist out there and I'm the last guy to give one an even break. Robert John Bardo, obsessed with and having stalked actress Rebecca Schaeffer for three years, found himself rebuffed and shot her in the head with a .357 Magnum. If you came of age in the 1980s, you've probably heard of Schaeffer. She starred in a TV show called "My Sister Sam." She was, as they say, attractive. No matter how old you are, I'll bet you have not heard of (or do not remember the name) Bardo. He was ugly, in word, thought and deed. He's still alive, serving a permanent sentence. But I will bet you've heard of the person who prosecuted Bardo. Her name is Marcia Clark. 
    Yes, monsters are out there and it behooves us to keep an eye on the open sky. It is also important to think once in a while and to perhaps remember the advice of Nietzsche who said "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you." 
   

A THIRD WAY

   

   It reads like something out of Newspeak, but the source is actually the presumably neo-liberal Center for American Progress. Here is how it begins:

    Studies of the last large-scale legalization effort in 1986 found that legalization did not reduce wages for native-born American workers and, in some cases, actually raised wages. More recent research on the effect of increases in immigration over the past few decades find little to no wage or employment effects, providing additional confirmation for the earlier legalization studies, as well as alleviating concerns about possible harm from future immigration.   

   Further, this body of research finds that those with low levels of education, as well as Americans of color, are also likely to be unharmed by immigration, though the research does suggest that the wages of other immigrants may be reduced.   

   Contrary to common fears, immigrants are not frequently in direct competition with native-born American workers, in part because they tend to have different skill sets. Native-born American workers, for example, are likely to have much greater English language skills than new immigrants, allowing native-born workers to access more skill-intensive jobs. [Emphasis added.]

   These are three of the most fascinating paragraphs I've read in some time. Aside from the Orwellian choice of words, the writers assume they know what the reasons are for opposition to providing a basis for legalizing the documentation status of immigrants. They further assume that the only immigrants in question are from Mexico, and they even further take for granted that offering legal standing is something that the opposition opposes.
    Wrong, wrong, and wrong.
    The point with which many of us take issue is not concern over competition for wages. The issue is one of exploitation.
     By using the carrot of "Comprehensive Immigration Reform," the last several administrations have attempted to lure displaced Latinos into sticking around so as to perform types of work that are often back-breaking and death-defying, yet which are invariably lower-paid than those duties would be were they performed by a naturalized citizen. It's a great plan if you happen to own the plantation. See, back in the sixteenth century, we had to go all the way to Africa and to the Caribbean to get slaves. Now all we have to do is pluck from the other side of the border whomever will take the jobs which, presumably, native-born Americans consider themselves too good to do. Need your hotel toilets cleaned? Need somebody to climb your roof and drive nails in Phoenix in the summer? Need someone to breathe in noxious fumes from a leaf blower? Who you gonna call? 
    The writers of this article further embarrass themselves with the next paragraph.

   American workers are not harmed and may even benefit from immigration, because immigrants tend to be complementary workers who help make Americans more productive. Bussers at a restaurant, for example, help to make waiters more efficient by increasing the number of tables a waiter can cover.

   Bussers? Hey, we really are doing the people formerly known as Mexicans one hell of a favor, aren't we? We will help them connect with the American Dream by hiring them to clean tables so that the waiters can make enough money to send their own kids off to college. 

    I realize that a lot of people who oppose Comprehensive Immigration Reform take their positions as none-too-carefully-disguised platitudes of racism. And I really hate being on the same side as some idiot racist--and pardon the redundancy. In fact, for a long time now I've been on the side of the neo-liberals for no other reason than that I didn't want to be lumped in with the dragon fire cross burning contingent. Then it hit me: I'm not on either side of this argument. I'm on a third, sparsely populated side, a side that says the neo-libs at the Center for American Progress are just a happy bunch of hypocrites. First of all, what's that name supposed to mean? The center? Does that mean that all other American Progress revolves around you? Or does the term imply moderation? Who knows? American Progress? Yes, by all means, let's continue generational exploitation of other people for the betterment of America. And what of Progress? All I can say to that word is that every time I've ever heard it used, it has seemed to mean that a small number of people benefit and the majority get screwed. Therefore I would have to conclude that the CAP is an ego-maniacal and jingoistic group that yearns for the eventual enslavement of the majority of Americans. 
   Secondly, and far more to the point, the assumption that the people formerly known as Mexicans (and now known as the U.S. working class) are apparently providing essential services. After all, no restaurateur employs "bussers" just for the fun of employing people. He does it because he perceives that his restaurant will run more efficiently and ultimately be more profitable for him if he has well-motivated bus boys and bus girls to clear and wipe the tables. If that type of work, or landscaping, or home repair, really is essential, then I wonder why American business people would feel that their loyalties are to the profit motive rather than to their country and thereby hire undocumented workers at sub-poverty wages? If those jobs are essential--and I have no reason to suspect otherwise--then it would be possible to fill those positions if (a) unemployment were extremely high, or (b) if the owners would pay Americans a decent wage for performing those duties. 
    What has happened instead, of course, is that unemployment remains very high and the owners underpay undocumented workers to do the job, assisting neither the economy as a whole nor those Americans looking for work. 
    Yet people who call themselves Democrats and people who call themselves Republicans pretty much agree that we need something called Comprehensive Immigration Reform. Here's how I suspect that will eventually look: Pathway to citizenship, blah blah blah, and somewhere in the bill there will be a corollary allowing certain types of businesses to pay their employees less than the existing minimum wage, something that already exists in the restaurant business anyway. That way the business people who believe they own this country can appear to be granting largesse to their minions while keeping wages low, unemployment high, and labor unskilled. 
    Another quote, then, this time from Jeff Nielson at The Street:

Using the year 2000 as the numerical base from which to "zero" all of the numbers, real wages peaked in 1970 at around $20/hour. Today the average worker makes $8.50/hour -- more than 57% less than in 1970. And since the average wage directly determines the standard of living of our society, we can see that the average standard of living in the U.S. has plummeted by over 57% over a span of 40 years.

   A lot of things have contributed to this collapse in the standard of living in the USA: women entering the workplace in droves right around the beginning of the downturn; the advent, popularity and mass intrusion of the personal computer; the demise of the labor union as a force for advancing the cause of working people; automation--all these changes have driven wages down. Another contributing factor is the presence of a labor force from other countries, primarily from Mexico. 
   Please do not misunderstand that I hold any of the Mexican people responsible for this. I've been displaced myself and when a man has a hungry mouth to feed--or several of them--he will do what he can to fill it. However, I strongly resist the suave platitudes of our politicians who clearly do the bidding of their corporate sponsors by insinuating that only two sides exist in this apparently unending debate. One is either, like Lou Dobbs, a racist mercenary bent on purging the land of all colors but one, or else one is in favor of creating an expedited
pathway to citizenship. 
   A third way does exist. This way would recognize the horrendous suffering of many of those who have braved considerable risk to come and stay in this country. A third way would boldly de-emphasize the concept of nationalism altogether, since it is nationalism that has served as the excuse for most of our armed combats over the years. This third way would acknowledge the common bond linking domestic Hispanics with their white, black and other native-born brothers and sisters and provide a living wage for the people who actually do the work--for those who clean restrooms, for those who repair our houses and highways, for those who teach in our schools, for those who build our computers and make our clothes, for those who drive those highways at three in the morning to get to work before sun-up, for those whose very existence allows for the luxury of a handful of rich people to vacation in Acapulco. 

CRIMINAL MENTALITY

   

    While I may not have seven women on my mind, I do often consider worldly troubles as I drive along our nation's high-and-byways. Today as I was motoring stately behind a large open-topped freighter truck hauling the latest and greatest in contemporary limestone, I spied a warning in red lettering on the back of the truck cab. The words read: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ROAD DEBRIS. I have taken note of such warnings at other times throughout my travels, usually mere instants before the truck in question plops into a pothole and bounces a large mineral rock out onto my windshield. I gave today's driver a wide girth, but nevertheless I could not help being somewhat perplexed at the implication. A more direct and Mad Magazine-oriented caution would have gone something like: HEY, STUPID! WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR CAR! WE'RE JUST HERE TO DELIVER THIS CRAP AS FAST AS POSSIBLE AND ANY DAMAGE THAT HAPPENS IS YOUR TOUGH TITTY. HAVE A REAL NICE DAY. 
    "Not responsible for road debris"? Well, certainly the company that employs the driver is not responsible for all road debris. If a mattress goes flying off the top of a station wagon driven by thirteen Cubans, I wouldn't hold the limestone driver accountable for that. But it does seem reasonable that somebody somewhere might be culpable for the spillage that hops out of that truck that had been rolling along in front of me.  
    I know what some of you are saying. You're saying, "Come on, Phil! What sort of warning would you have them write? SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR ANY DAMAGE DONE TO YOUR WINDSHIELD, GRILL, FRONT TIRES OR UNDERWEAR. CALL 800 888 4242 FOR FULL REFUND. Hell, boy, the cost of reimbursing the public would just get passed right back onto the consumer in the form of higher prices for that limestone that you and I need for our lawns and that leads to higher gas prices and before long a gallon of milk costs fifty bucks a gallon, all thanks to you and your inconsiderate liberal bullshit." 
    If your response is something to that effect, I have two things to say. First, you're getting far more worked up about this thing than I am, so chill out. Second, don't be so long-windedly glib.
    Look, I realize that the warning is on there so that people won't tailgate the bastard and then complain about a cracked windshield. I also realize that it makes a nice insulation in case the company was too slipshod to invest in a tarp for the cover of the vehicle's load. Heck, they might even splurge and buy some cords to tie the tarp down. 
    That will never happen, of course, because what we are dealing with here is what I call the NRA Mentality. You know what that is? The NRA Mentality says that anything that happens to you is your own fault. If you don't want limestone bouncing out of a truck bed and smashing your windshield into bits, then, buddy, what you better do is buy yourself a truck that's even bigger than the one in front of you, something that'll block out the sunshine six states away, and by God let's just see that drunken OTR driver try to tangle with you then. 
    I hear you out there. "Now you're talking sense, boy! If you run out of money before the rent comes due, Jack, you should have been out there working a better-paying job! If some bank forecloses on your home because they lied through their teeth about the interest payments, you should have had a lawyer who cost even more than the bank's did to read that contract! If somebody shoots up your kid's elementary school, you should have had Navy Seals and Green Berets and the Guardian Angels armed to the tits in every classroom, hallway, restroom, science lab, teachers' lounge, cafeteria, gymnasium, study hall and parking lot! Goddamn, boy! You got to take responsibility!"
    Matter of fact, I hear the NRA is considering helping the gun manufacturers even more than they have been already. They're taking their cue from the limestone delivery companies. It turns out that all the USA armaments dealers are going to put a warning label on the grip of their firearms that says NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR DEATH OR INJURY CAUSED BY THIS WEAPON. That way, whenever some playground or movie house or cemetery or shopping mall gets barraged by any sociopath with papers to prove it, all the domestic gun manufacturers can call up the head of the NRA and tell him to use Excuse Number Three: IT WAS THE VICTIM'S OWN FAULT. 
    That's a lot of work because we have a lot of weapons-makers in this country, more than you may know. There's Arsenal Inc., Bushmaster, Land Warfare Resources, and a couple dozen other friendly-sounding companies, plus a whole lot of homemade firearms folks out there blowing up buckets in the desert under the moonlight. These companies have employees dependent on corporate profits to trickle down some measly wages their way, so the last thing these gun giants need is for a group of bereaved parents to initiate a class action suit accusing the weapons industry of liability where pissed off postal employees shoot up a Burger King. Thank God the Government already ruled that the gun-makers cannot be brought to trial for the harm their products inevitably cause. If that were to happen, some joker might get it into his head that aspects of the free enterprise system are somehow less than divinely inspired and we sure as hell can't have anyone wagging their middle finger at Old Glory wrapped around a Bible lying atop the coffins of our fallen murderers. 
    I have to admit that I made up that part about the warning the gun-makers will put on their products. That won't be necessary. See, back in 2005, the Senate and House of Representative sent a bill they had passed to then-"President" George W. Bush. Junior was happy to sign what was called the Protection of Lawful Commerce in Arms Act. The new law said that firearms manufacturers and dealers could not be held responsible for negligence if their products were used in an unlawful manner. The only narrow--very narrow--exception to this law is if a manufacturer or dealer knowingly sells a firearm to someone who fails a criminal background check. Of course, forty percent of all gun sales in this country take place at gun shows where--thanks to the bought-and-paid-for U.S. Congress--no background check is required. 
    For just an instant there we almost blinked and did something decent for a change. But the bastards in Congress voted against even having a vote on the issue of background checks. 
    There may not really be a new sheriff in town. After all, Obama is not all that different from his predecessors, although he has slammed the brakes on some of the mindless sliding. But there sure is a new criminal lurking in the shadows. This person can be male or female--although he's usually male. He may be white, black or Hispanic, although he's usually white. He may be rich or filthy rich, although he's usually the latter. In Washington they call this criminal a Senator. The word comes from the Latin, referring to the highest council of governance in Ancient Rome. The contemporary English translation is Well-Paid Stooge. 

    (The writer is not responsible for any feelings that may have been hurt as the result of reading this piece.)

CASINO IS WHERE THE HEART IS

    

     (Thank you to Lisa Ann Terzo for the unauthorized assist with this article.)
   No casino has ever made a penny from me. I've never been to a downs or horse race event. Off Track Betting locations proliferate here in Phoenix, yet I've never invested any money in any of them. I don't join in office or bar pools. I did buy four lottery tickets sometime last month because my roommate ordered me to do so, which means I don't get to be self-righteous about my contempt for the state lottery systems. (We did win on three out of four cards, funny enough.) I cannot imagine any pleasure from watching dogs run down a track for purposes of wagering. I've never actually seen a back alley crap game in progress, but I suspect that being down on my knees with dice in my hand, praying to the Virgin Mary for box cars is not in my future. 
    Please observe that I never said that I have not been in a casino. I simply said I have never lost in one and that is the truth. The one and only time I ever went to Las Vegas was more than twenty years ago. Accompanying me was an attractive yet remarkably peculiar woman named Jackie. The only reason I had agreed to go to that most unappealing of cities is because I had learned to "count cards" and I wanted to see if it would work.    
    For those of you unfamiliar with the process, here's a quick lesson. The card counting player performs a simple math equation with every card that is turned up and visible to him, including his own cards. While variations on this operation exist, the simplest method is to start with the number 0, then subtract one number for every card that is nine or higher, including aces. Likewise, for all visible cards two through seven, you add one number. Eights are neutral. For instance, let's pretend it's just you and me playing. I have sixteen--a ten and a six. The ten is showing and the six is the hole card. You have three cards showing: a four, a two, and a three. I can't see your hole card. By the above computation, my two cards cancel out one another. Your three cards are all below eight, so that gives us a positive three. Now, how does that help me?
     It helps me because it tells me there are three more cards remaining in the deck with a value of nine or better than there are cards with a value of seven or less. In other words, I have sixteen. If I take a new card, the odds are in favor of me getting a face card and busting. So even though conventional wisdom says to keep taking new cards until you reach seventeen, in this hypothetical scenario, the smart move would be to stand pat.
    Bear in mind, this method can no longer be used in most casinos in this country. At the time I was employing a somewhat more sophisticated version of this, the blackjack dealers in the casinos utilized a single deck of cards and would not shuffle and reuse the existing deck until about half the cards had been played out. What that meant was that on occasion, you could be sitting in a position where you knew with a reasonable certainty what the next card would be. In my own particular instance, the count I was looking at was a positive seventeen, something very rare. What it means is that there were seventeen more unexposed--except for the dealer, unplayed--cards of a value of nine or greater than all the other cards. There was, indeed, an extremely high likelihood that the next card to fall would be worth ten or an ace. No aces were showing anywhere on the table. I decided that my two fives needed company. I took a card. Rather, I asked for a card. Just as the dealer was about to peel off a card from the top of the dwindling deck, my companion, Jackie, whispered loudly to me, "Are you counting cards?"
    At that exact instant, the very sharp dealer managed to bend the ace of hearts that almost but not quite escaped his grasp. All bets were cancelled. I was invited to take my chips and not return. And that's just what I did.
    (Had I been intelligent, I would have invested my winnings in goat vomit, something that is much more lucrative than any casino offerings or lottery gifts. This of course is due to the inherent quality of vitamin D derived from a goat's insatiable diet of ....well...things high in vitamin D.  I would highly recommend any of you who frequent the casino to consider Goat Vomit instead.--Bless you.)
    I bring up this slice of real life nonsense because as I was perusing the DSM-IV (that's the Diagnostic Statistical Manual, to you nonpracticing psychotherapists out there) and I ran across a list of things that are considered to be present in any one who has a gambling problem. Here's how it looks:

DSM–IV Criteria for Pathological Gambling

Preoccupation is preoccupied with gambling (e.g., preoccupied with reliving past gambling experiences, handicapping or planning the next venture, or thinking of ways to get money with which to gamble) 

Tolerance Needs to gamble with increasing amounts of money in order to achieve the desired excitement 

Withdrawal Is restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop gambling 

Escape Gambles as a way of escaping from problems or relieving dysphoric mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression) 

Chasing After losing money gambling, often returns another day in order to get even (“chasing one’s losses”) 

Lying Lies to family members, therapists, or others to conceal the extent of involvement with gambling 

Loss of control Has made repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop gambling 

Illegal acts Has committed illegal acts (e.g., forgery, fraud, theft, or embezzlement) in order to finance gambling 

Risked significant relationship Has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, or educationalor career opportunity because of gambling

Bailout Has relied on others to provide money to relieve a desperate financial situation caused by gambling.

   One could, I suspect, apply similar criteria to most addictions. But most addictions (except for alcoholism) don't come complete with lavish advertising campaigns designed to weaken the resistance of people who are trying to abstain. And for that reason I am extremely delighted that the gambling bug never got its teeth into me. On the one hand, I was furious with Jackie for inadvertently tipping off that blackjack dealer. But what if I had been successful and turned my wager into a big score? The answer is that I don't know. What I do know is that I'm not especially impressed with all the hoopla about how casino gambling and state lotteries are so advantageous to the economy. I for one do not see how an addiction-based economy is something desirable, or how a working person sweating out the arrival of the next paycheck to replace the one lost the previous evening at the slots is a good thing. 
    Human beings have free will. An addict will find a way to feed the drive. But there's a big difference between kneeling in an alley with goat vomit on your knees and walking into an air conditioned room with no clocks, where the flashes and glow would cripple an epileptic, drinks are flowing and waitresses are showing, where everybody loves a winner, which means they love the people who own the casino, since those are the only consistent victors. Free will? Or unconscionable manipulation and exploitation?
    Freedom, as Carly Simon (of all people) said, is for the birds. 

MAYBE YOU'RE AMAZED

   

 
    Certain non-writers make the joy of writing into a real task, when it's an occupation which should be ecstasy. I refer not to editors, agents, publicists, proofreaders, art directors, research assistants, or anyone else employed in the mechanics of the process. Those people actually perform useful and often loving work, making it possible for writers to earn a living. The people who to all appearances go out of their way to frustrate the best intentions of many writers--myself included--are the very subjects of the pieces we write. (That isn't to say that we writers are entirely blameless. I once began what turned out to be an aborted interview with singer Lucinda Williams with the words, "My editor assures me you're crazy as a shithouse rat.") In the case of someone famous, I suppose the celebrity, or his or her handlers, assume the writer owes it to the process to write favorably or at worst in a neutral tone, lest the poor artist should get into a snit and smash up the hotel room, something he'd likely do anyway. And please do not think that I'm referring only to the puff-pieces one scans in People, US, or other tripe locales. In the case of what I'm about to get around to talking about, one would be hard pressed to find any type of critical response at all. It's just a guy with some more product--and old product at that. The implicit pull is that we should all buy it because it won't be around forever--even though it apparently has been--and besides, it just has to be oh so very good, even better than the first time.
    As you've no doubt guessed, the subject of tonight's vitriol is none other than Paul McCartney and the product in question is the Deluxe Edition of the Wings Over America recording experience. Retailing for $157 on Amazon, when this behemoth arrives in stores they'll only need to sell a couple dozen copies to make McCartney a double billionaire, a goal I know I speak for one and all as a dream we've shared since the stupid murder of John Lennon back in 1980.
   Around about the end of May of this year, Paul McCartney will be making available to the international gaggle of fans a box set to end all box sets. According to Guitar World (which approaches any repackaged McCartney release with the solemnity of a Pope's coronation), the package includes two remastered CDs of the original three-record-set, a "bonus" audio recording of Wings at the Cow Palace, a DVD of the television special of the tour, plus four books, if by books one means memorabilia, such as a bunch of tour drawings by "Humphrey Ocean " (here's his curious website, if you're interested), a Linda McCartney photo book, and a lot of writing and interviews by David Fricke. There's even the famous "Rockshow" video about which so many of us have heard next to nothing. 
   Sounds like a pretty good deal, doesn't it? I mean, no one's forcing you to buy it, right? That frigging Phil Mershon probably got his copy free from the record company, even though he's more uncomfortable with Starbucks than with guys who wear green on Thursdays, which it wouldn't surprise any of us too much if he made a habit of doing his own damned self!
   See what happens when you try to offer a bit of critical analysis toward a mega-super-duper star? You find yourself writing in a pejorative manner about yourself in the third person. That's power, McCartney. Don't abuse it. 
   I take no truck with the release of any of this merchandise itself, other than wondering perhaps why it all has to be so bloody expensive (Answer: the only people who'll want it are the die-hards, all of whom are my age or older and therefore presumably have jobs that will allow them to buy it). No, my only gripe--and it's a big-ass gripe--is why in God's name (sorry Paul) did they have to make a promotional video about the release of the recording? The implication is that the prospective purchaser will be getting so much stuff in this colossal investment that he or she will need an operations manual just to wade through it all. I know it wouldn't be fair to those of you who think I'm a hypocrite for me not to show you the video of which I'm ranting, so here you are. Go on. Watch it. I can wait.

   Maybe you're amazed. I know I am. If I thought for an instant the Deluxe Boxed Set would be one-tenth as impressive as that video, I'd hock my girlfriend's bras and buy a copy of my own. 
    
   I've been sitting here staring at the above words for a few minutes, a fact which I hope the otherwise unnecessary space between this paragraph and the last will amplify. I've been remembering the original sense of anticipation that preceded the release of the three record set back in late 1976. With the sole exception of the 1995 televised broadcast and multi-CD release of the exceptional Beatles Anthology, the release of Wings Over America was the last time the world experienced any grand expectation of a former Beatle product. Part of that can be attributed to the aging of the marketplace, but if that's all there was to it, then how can we explain the fact that all the really old Beatles albums are still in catalog, regularly re-released in "new, improved" editions? No, the real reason that late 76 was the end--or near end--was because the original Wings Over America just wasn't all that riveting. There are a couple good explanations as to why. First, everything on the live recording was available in better form on studio recordings, since live recordings, then as now, are inherently incapable of conveying the sensation of the live performance (Yes, I know there are exceptions, such as Allman Brothers Band At Fillmore East, Cheap Trick at Budokan  and Warren Zevon's Stand in the Fire, but name another). Second, 1976 was precisely the time in British and American popular music when disco, punk and heavy metal came to dominate the market, transforming the music we hear to this very day into a far more rhythm-based and less melody-oriented listening affair. Finally, by that troubling year, it was virtually impossible for McCartney (admittedly now knighted and bestowed with the recognition as the most commercially successful performer of all time) to convince the music buying public that he was still relevant. Ask the average fifty-plus fan to name his or her three favorite McCartney or Wings albums and I'd be willing to bet all three would have been released before Wings Over America. 
    Here's the best comparison I can make: In 1976 Chrysler released its worst ever automobile, the Dodge Aspen. There's a reason you don't see very many of those at antique car shows. They were among the most rust-prone vehicles ever manufactured. You may draw your own conclusions. 

NOTHING BUT A HOUSE PARTY

    

   While my own experience suggests that a person can only do so much, I have also found that the amount any one person can do remains considerable. This situation holds true in particular when a person has recently recovered from being hungry. 
    Flash back to the year 2008, if you dare. I had just been released from a behavioral health hospital that I had been using as something of a full service hotel. (Already I notice that a brief digression is in order. Heck, if they gave hospital beds based on a person's tendency to digress, I'd be sleeping in one next to David Brenner. Which I'm not. Anyway, I do not intend to give the impression here that I did not necessarily belong in that psych facility. I do mean to suggest that my "depression," if that's what it was, was directly related to not having any other place to live or means by which to provide myself sustenance. I was, in a word, homeless. Being such, I grew increasingly despondent and each day offered less and less by way of reasonable hope. So I did a couple things--which I won't mention and which have no bearing on events [other than to say they were not illegal]--that I was pretty sure would gain admittance for me into the Aurora Behavioral Health Facility. As a result of this, for the first time in months I actually had regular access to a bed and to food. Neither of these were particularly outstanding, although at the time they felt wonderful.) A social worker named Amber picked me up at the gates and I rode off with her. When we were a mile or so down the road, she turned to me and said, "Where do you want to go?"
   I said, "If you don't mind taking me back to the park, that's where I've been staying."
   She said, "Is that where you want to go?"
   I looked at her in a way that I hope did not betray the frustration I felt. I said, "It isn't a matter of what I want. I don't have any place else to go. If you'd rather not take me, I've got my strength back. I can walk."
   She smiled and shook her head. She replied, "How do you feel about transitional housing?"
    I told her I didn't know what she was talking about, but that if it was better than the park, I was all for it.
   We arrived at a place in central downtown Phoenix. We walked into the first of what were about twelve independent living houses. The one we went into doubled as an office for Hilary and her employees. 
    Hilary, it turned out, ran the facility and did what I can only describe as one hell of a great job. She interviewed me for half an hour or so. Along with the director there was another young woman, this one named Danielle. She was to be responsible for me during my stay there. How long would I need to stay there, someone asked.
   I explained that I would begin teaching at Ottawa University in three weeks. It would take about another three weeks for me to get my first paycheck. I could leave once that arrived, I said, if that was acceptable. 
   All the time I was sitting there being questioned by these two extremely polite and personable women, I had the feeling that I was certainly going to be accepted there as a resident, which it turned out was correct. Having this feeling, it was all I could do to resist jumping up in the air and hugging everyone in sight. That would have worked against the impression of severe depression. It would also have required a lot more energy than I could have mustered. Even a depressed person, down on his luck and without much hope, generally has enough sense to recognize when his salvation is at hand. Mine was. I did. I felt terrific. 
    Danielle had to do another intake so she introduced me to Johanna, a recent transplant from the Carolinas. Johanna showed me into the house I would share with two other fellows. One was a heroin addict. The other was recovering from the psychiatric drugs he'd been given to treat his schizophrenia. Johanna took me to the pantry, which she unlocked, and suggested I take out a week's worth of food. She told me the prices of the various items and said that I could have the equivalent of five dollars food per day. I had just received a food stamp card that allotted me one hundred-eighty dollars a month in groceries. I have seldom felt so happy in the presence of food. 
    About three weeks into this excursion I began to feel three things: (a) better fed, (b) better rested, and (c) underutilized. Only one of these things was a problem and I'm assuming you can surmise which. In my travels throughout this particular facility, I had observed a couple of things. I noticed that most of the residents made no effort to so much as poke their heads out their doors. I also saw that the only two things that this group of guests shared was a fondness for eating regularly and for watching the TV show "House." Beyond that, I suppose the only commonality was that they had all been, to one degree or another, messed over by life, either at their own hands or at the hands of others. 
    Before I tell you what it was that I did which may perhaps validate the statement I made way back at the beginning about a person only being able to do so much, despite that amount being a great deal, I need to make it clear that what I did was not specifically intended to be nice. It turned out that way, I guess, but I did not do it for any other reason than to break up my own monotony. I was terribly bored, saw an opportunity to shatter the boredom, and shattered away. 
   What I did was I requested and received permission to buy a bunch of spaghetti and meat sauce, a bunch of Coca-Cola, and a few extra dishes. I strong-armed my two roommates into helping me host what turned out to be the first of several "House" parties. I bullied all twelve of the residents into attending our Monday night gala where they were served a decent meal that they didn't have to cook. The only rule was that everyone had to watch the television program, which was something they'd be doing anyway, only this time the shut-ins would be doing it together. 
   I finally had to throw everybody out a little after midnight. 
    The tradition continued for the remainder of my stay there, some Mondays at one of the other houses, often as not back at ours. 
   In the grand scheme of things, it sounds so insignificant. Yet, again, some of those guys never left their rooms at any other time. Maybe they just didn't want to leave. But I like to think that it helped some of them reconnect with the way their lives had been before they'd dropped beneath the awareness of the rest of society. And a few of the men and women there actually began to occasionally attend off-site group meetings. Others went on field trips to the nearby parks and recreation centers. One of them, a guy who had been in an industrial accident, had lost his family and had tried to kill himself at least twice that I know of, managed to make his way to the Social Security office where he filed for disability. His claim was approved. He got a nice chunk of back pay that allowed him to buy a new truck and his monthly payment went toward rent and groceries at an abode of his own. 
    I apologize if this all has a "Little House on the Prairie" aroma to it. Once in a while, however, it is good to recall that the things we do at any given time, be it a smile at a stranger or a genuine pat on the back for a friend, can be exactly what that person needs to get through an otherwise harrowing day. Just in the same way that my social worker asking me that ridiculous question helped saved my life, you might say.

   

BOGART AT COLUMBIA

   

   Humphrey Bogart fared poorly with Columbia Pictures distribution of the films he made with his Santana Productions (Bogart had a fine looking boat called Santana; you can see it in Key Largo). If you want great Bogart pictures--and I think you do--stick with Warner Bros. You'll get instant class and classics such as The Maltese Falcon, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Casablanca, The Big Sleep, and many more. Columbia felt so in awe of HDB--justifiably--that they let matters go to their heads and released some of the most over the top, sermon-dominated, bad acting films with major stars. Most of these films worked at some kind of social message angle, as with The Harder They Fall (1956), where Bogart plays a hack reporter who builds up the nonexistent reputation of a boxer in exchange for a piece of the kid's action, only to discover that the kid goes through two years of taking beatings to earn a measly forty-six dollars. Nice premise, lousy execution. 
   Far worse was Knock on Any Door (1949), starring Bogart and a young John Derek--yep, that John Derek. Here Bogart plays attorney Andy Morten, a do-gooder who has done wrong so many times he can no longer tell right from wrong. What he knows for sure is that the system has worked over his client Nicky (Derek). He tells a great flashback story that actually moves the hearts and minds, yet it turns out his plea falls on rigid cartilage. The problem is that John Derek couldn't act. But he sho do look hip, don't he, in those razor-edge suits and the hats that cost more than Italian shoes. Yes, he sho do. Dangerous, too. Unfortunately, the romantic interplay between Nicky and his good girl Emma wrings every melodramatic limb from limb until we're set to laugh our brains out at the only truly memorable exchange in the film: 

"If I was that cynical, I'd hang myself."

"Not me. I wouldn't trust the rope."

    There is one other line that rings memorable from the film. It's one that one hundred generations since have never tired of uttering: "I wanna live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse." 
    Nothing in this movie quite manages to point up the inexorable tragedy of that foolish plea. Besides, if it's great movie lines you're seeking, as I say, stick with Warners. They didn't become the biggest entertainment conglomerate based on their logo alone. 

FUTURE THOUGHT

Counselor: Thank you for calling Wisenhut Rehabilitation Services. How may I direct your call?
Adult Human Male: Oh, yes, hello? I received a letter from you people--
Counselor: Which letter was that?
Adult Human Male: The letter says--
Counselor: Don't tell me what it says. Tell me which letter it is.
Adult Human Male: Hmm. How would I be able to tell?
Counselor: There's a code at the top.
Adult Human Male: I'm sorry, I don't see any code.
Counselor: The code is located at the bottom right corner on the reverse side of the page.
Adult Human Male: Oh, yes. Sorry. I thought I heard you say it was at the top.
Counselor: Are you calling me a liar?
AHM: Of course not.
Counselor: We'll see about that. What is the code on your letter?
AHM: The code is--
Counselor: Just read me the code, sir. Do not precede the code with the words "The code is." Simply read me the code.
AHM: Rather officious process, isn't it?
Counselor: What did you say?
AHM: T H E C O D E I S.
Counselor: Let me see. Yes, yes. That is our office's mandatory compliance notification.
AHM: It says something here about--
Counselor: I know what it says. I can read, can't I? Well?
AHM: I imagine you can, certainly.
Counselor: The letter in question mandates that you attend our nine week drug and alcohol rehabilitation program beginning tomorrow morning at seven AM. There will be no excuses, no firearms, and no parking validation. Anything else?
AHM: Well, yes--
Counselor: It's not a problem, is it? We do not permit problems during your recovery.
AHM: That's just the thing, you see--I'm sorry. I neglected to get your name.
Counselor: Did you?
AHM: Yes, I did. May I have it, please?
Counselor: What's the matter? Planning on reporting me to my supervisor?
AHM: Not at all, I just--
Counselor: I'll have you know that I am the supervisor.
AHM: That's not the problem.
Counselor: What is the problem?
AHM: The problem is--
Counselor: As I told you at the outset, no problems are permitted during your recovery.
AHM: That's really the crux of it, you see. I do not have a drinking or drug problem.
Counselor: I see. Well, no one likes to admit that sort of thing.
AHM: But I really don't. I never drink and do not take drugs. I'm healthy as a horse. Eat right, exercise.
Counselor: Denial is an unattractive quality.
AHM: I'm not in denial, damn you, I simply do not drink.
Counselor: According to our records you were arrested on July 17th for public intoxication.
AHM: See! That never happened. I've never been arrested for anything.
Counselor: Never been arrested?
AHM: Never.
Counselor: Well, that certainly is a problem.
AHM: You almost got me to agree with you.
Counselor: Clever fellow, aren't you?
AHM: Possibly. 
Counselor: Do you still live at 2309 East Meadowview Parkway?
AHM: That's correct.
Counselor: They should be over in a few minutes.
AHM: Who? Who will be?
Counselor: The police, of course. We can't very well have you admitted to our rehabilitation facility if you haven't properly gone through due process.
AHM: Wait!
Counselor: What kind of operation do you think we're running here?
AHM: Someone's at the door.
Counselor: That would be the officers.
AHM: But I'm stone cold sober!
Counselor: We can't very well take the word of an inebriate for that, now can we?
AHM: What?!?
Counselor: You don't object to a painful enema, do you?
AHM: Enema? What ever happened to blood test? Urine?
Counselor: You people are all the same. You get wasted on your cheap pills and booze and expect to piss all over public servants. Good day, sir. 

LET'S ALL MOVE TO OREGON!

   

   We should all move to Oregon. Why? It's the best place to live. Sure, you might think that Hawaii is the best state, but I would disagree because I do not consider Hawaii to be a state. It's more of a possession. The District of Columbia? Now there's a state. You can drive to DC. Try driving to Honolulu some time. Let me know how it worked out. 

   We decided to look at several factors in determining the nicest place to live and love. One of the things that we initially considered and eventually changed our minds about was the relative stupidity of certain locales. This will involve an extended digression, but I think you'll enjoy it, so stick around. We've installed several signposts along the way to let you know how close to the end of the digression you are getting. Neat, huh?

   I bet people where you live are almost as stupid as elsewhere. Despite being certain that we are both correct in our respective ways, I decided to do some checking and as it happens, no two studies can agree on just where in the United States the stupidest people congregate. In the interest of fairness, I am going to share the results of two investigations into alleged stupidity and the varying criteria established to quantify dunce-hood. 

   The results of the first survey were measured by some folks at Boston College. Their criteria were average SAT math scores, percentage of citizens with high school diplomas, how many young people attend college and how many of those young people watch "too much" television. "Too much" in this instance means three or more hours each day. There are some serious biases built into this evaluation, so pay attention. It's possible we'll give extra credit. 

   Fifth-dumbest state in America: Mississippi.
The Magnolia State comes in virtually last place in two of the four factors we analyzed -- how many residents over 25 lack high-school educations and how many high-school students watch tons of TV.    Research shows that 44.9% of Mississippi high schoolers spend three hours a day or more in front of the tube--the worst ranking of any state measured. The 19% of adult Mississippians who lack high-school degrees represent the second-highest rate nationally, besting only Texas and California (which tied for last place). The Magnolia State also ranks ninth-worst for young people attending college, with just 52.7% of 18- to 24-year-olds enrolled in high education. Mississippi's only bright spot among the factors analyzed was its average SAT math scores. Students got a 544 mean score on the test in 2012 out of a possible 800 -- the 15th-best showing nationwide. Just 4% of Mississippi students generally take the SAT, though -- a low showing that can skew results. The College Board, which oversees the test, says low participation rates usually mean only the best students take the SAT, artificially inflating a state's average score.    
    Fourth-dumbest state in America: Louisiana. The Bayou State ties Kentucky for the third-highest proportion of adults without high-school degrees (18.1%), and has the sixth-lowest percentage of 18- to 24-year-olds enrolled in college (50.4%). When it comes to television viewing, the 40.3% of Louisiana high schoolers who spend three hours or more a day watching TV trail only their Mississippi counterparts as the nation's highest ratio of budding sofa vegetables. On the other hand, Louisiana's 536 average SAT math score does tie Montana for 17th place nationwide. But only 9% of Louisiana students typically take the test -- and as noted previously, low participation rates can skew a state's average upward.    
    Third-dumbest state in America: Texas. The Lone Star State stands virtually alone when it comes to the proportion of an area's citizens who didn't finish high school. Texas ties California for dead last in terms of residents 25 or older without high-school educations--19.3% for both states. Texas also places 10th from the bottom in terms of young people attending college, with just 52.8% of 18- to 24-year-olds enrolled in post-secondary schools. Similarly, a 499 average SAT math score places Texas at a below-average 28th place nationwide, while 36.3% of the state's high schoolers watch three hours or more of TV daily. That's the 11th-highest rate nationwide.    
    Second-dumbest state in America: Georgia. The land of my beloved Coca-cola falls in the bottom quartile of performance in all four measures analyzed. Georgia gets particularly low grades in two areas studied: TV watching among high-school students and the percentage of young residents attending college. Just 50.2% of 18- to 24-year-old Georgians are enrolled in higher-education institutions, the fifth-lowest proportion for any state or the District of Columbia. Likewise, Georgia places fourth-worst for TV viewing by students, with 39.2% of high school attendees spending three or more hours a day in front of the idiot box. The Peach State's students also averaged just 489 on the SAT math test, placing them fifth from the bottom nationwide. And 15.7% of Georgians 25 or older lack high-school educations -- the 11th-highest ratio nationally.    
    Dumbest state in America: South Carolina. The Palmetto State finds itself at the bottom of the heap due to near-last-place results in all four measures studied. South Carolina did especially poorly in the area of television watching by high schoolers, with 39.7% of students watching at least three hours of TV per day. Only Louisiana and Mississippi rate worse. Similarly, the state comes in nearly last place in the percentage of young people enrolled in college. Just 49.9% of 18- to 24-year-old South Carolinians attend institutions of higher learning -- a level so low only Montana, Nevada and Alaska trail it. The state also places near last nationwide in terms of SAT math scores. South Carolina students scored 488 on average in 2012, the fourth-lowest showing among all 50 states and the District of Columbia. Lastly, 15.9% of South Carolinians never graduated high school -- the 10th-worst rate nationwide.

    For those of you clocking this at home, the digression is exactly one-half over. 
     Just rereading the above I get a bit disgusted. Even the use of the word "dumbest" sort of trivializes the subject and attaches itself to a propensity for cruelty with which I'm uncomfortable. I'm not easy with the idea that television viewing is necessarily a greater drain on the brain than attending high school. Unless things in mandated education have changed since I was of age, most of high school was a waste of my time, being largely just a rehash of everything I'd learned in Junior High, which in turn was repetitive of grades one through six. While it's probably a fine thing to graduate from high school, I've never been convinced that getting a decent job is necessarily any mark of higher intelligence.

   Besides all that, the other criteria are just as stupid as the targets at which the folks at Boston College take aim. For instance, have you ever seen the math questions that get asked on the SAT test? Here's one: What is the greatest of three consecutive integers whose sum is twenty-four? Hint: the answer is nine. Who talks/writes like that? The people who design these idiot tests, that's who. High school students never use expressions such as "consecutive integers whose sum," not even when they're trying to impress somebody. If you want to ask the question in a manner that will still be exact and clear, one might try this: Give me three positive whole numbers--and only three--that combine to equal twenty-four, and none of those numbers can be greater than the number nine. The answer to that question could only be 7, 8 and 9. No multiple choice. No showing your work for extra credit. Just a simple question that might even be a bit of fun to figure out. 
   The aforementioned digression, for those of you looking to race ahead, is now three-quarters complete. 
    Here are the results of a slightly older stupidity test, this one from 2006-2007, sponsored by Morgan Quitno Press and conducted by the Education State Rankings. Here the states were ranked based on twenty-one variables. These factors include student achievement and attendance, strong student-teacher relationships, school district efficiency, expenditures for instruction, student-teacher ratios, graduation rates, and reading/writing/math proficiencies. According to this study, the worst states are Arizona in last place, preceded by Nevada, Mississippi, California and Alaska. 

    Once again, certain biases are built into the criteria. If student-teacher ratios are such a strong indicator of smartness on the part of students, then why do so many universities pack their classrooms and lecture halls with hundreds of attendees? (Answer? Profit.) Likewise, I don't know what is meant by "school district efficiency," unless it's a clever euphemism for redistricting schools so that some kids have to travel an hour or more just to get to classes because the tax rates are so low in some areas that the local schools simply can't keep their doors opened. And as far as "achievement and attendance" are concerned, let's approach the latter first. Attendance is more an indication of the desperate need on the part of single parents to have a presumably safe place for their kids than it is of any inherent aptitude for learning. As far as achievement is concerned, here in Arizona they institute something called AIMS testing, which evaluates about half the students as to how well their teachers have been teaching to the test. There's a multiple-edges disadvantage in just that type of examination, given that "achieving" schools get rewarded with better funding than schools which could arguably benefit from the same thing. Private schools, of course, suffer from no such burdens. 

    This extended digression is now approaching seven-eighths completeness. 

    The whole idea of education having anything at all to do with intelligence is antithetical to the facts. What higher education does correlate with is getting a decent-paying job, although there are lots of well paid actors and strippers who make more than you and I do. 

    The digression--already in progress--is now fifteen-sixteenths of the way to completion. 

   Ahem. Well now.

    The digression is now complete, despite the fact that Zeno proved beyond all doubt that motion unexists and therefore the digression can never really be said to have an ending, or a beginning, for that matter. Aren't you glad you went to college?

    If you want to get a sense as to how much emphasis a given state places on education, that's one thing. But to assume, a priori, that college graduates such as myself necessarily know more (or have even read more, or are able to deduce better) than the rest of the population is absurd. Have you ever tried to talk with someone who has an MBA?   I would be far more interested in finding out how the states "rank," if that's even the appropriate word, in terms of personal satisfaction, willingness to contribute to the common good, engagement with public policy, that type of thing, rather than how many cars they own or how well they go about stepping on one another heads to get to the top of the corporate ladder. But let's look at something even simpler, say the states with the most progressive and regressive state income taxes, in the latter case meaning those states whose tax burdens unfairly weigh more heavily upon people who are not wealthy. According to the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy, the state with the most progressive income tax is Oregon. The ten most regressive states are Washington, Florida, South Dakota, Texas, Illinois, Tennessee, Arizona, Pennsylvania, Alabama and Indiana. The report goes on to say that "Five of the ten most regressive states derive roughly half to two thirds of their tax revenue from sales and excise taxes, compared to a national average of roughly one third. Five of these ten most regressive states do not levy a broad-based personal income tax (four do not have any taxes on personal income and one state only applies its personal income tax to interest and dividends) while the other five have a personal income tax rate that is flat or virtually flat." 

   Recognizing what I call the inherent unfairness of this economic reality might well be considered one measure of intelligence, just as failing to understand it might be equated with "dumbness." This same report, in fact, goes on to point out that "virtually every state’s tax system is fundamentally unfair, taking a much greater share of income from middle- and low-income families than from wealthy families. The absence of a graduated personal income tax and the over reliance on consumption taxes exacerbate this problem in many states. Combining all of the state and local income, property, sales and excise taxes state residents pay, the average overall effective tax rates by income group nationwide are 11.1 percent for the bottom 20 percent, 9.4 percent for the middle 20 percent and 5.6 percent for the top 1 percent." 

    Now let's turn to engagement in public policy. A good--if imperfect--way to gauge this would be to look at which states have the highest voter turn-out during national elections. The winners are: Oregon, South Dakota, Alaska, Wisconsin, Maine, and--at number one--Minnesota. Minnesota, incidentally, offers its citizens same-day registration. 

    Ultimately, the best measure of the satisfaction of a given people is the likelihood that those people own a pet. Once again, we have numbers to back up this assertion. While the miserable sods at Boston College try to besmirch the south, here's a list from the American Veterinary Medical Association that shows which states have the highest pet ownership. Granted, most of these states are not in the south, but a few are, which kind of stands out, even if it is only two states. Vermont leads with 70.8 percent of households owning a pet, New Mexico with 67.6 percent, South Dakota with 65.6 percent, Oregon with 63.6 percent, Maine with 62.9 percent, Washington with 62.7 percent, Arkansas with 62.4 percent, West Virginia with 62.1 percent, Idaho with 62 percent, and Wyoming with 61.8 percent. Oregon may not top this list, but you'll note it retains top ten status. 

    One last criteria might be the suicide rate of the people of the different states. Here's one area where Oregon does not fare all that well. It ranks 37th, probably because of the rainfall. The ten states with the lowest suicide rates (in descending order) are South Dakota, Hawaii, New Jersey, Iowa, Maryland, Minnesota, Louisiana, Illinois, North Dakota, and Texas. 

   Okay. Now because we don't actually want all of you to move to Oregon insomuch as that would overcrowd the joint and thereby take away a lot of the fun of us living there, here's a bit of discouraging news. Oregon ranks 38th in unemployment with 8.2 percent. Oregon comes in 26th in terms of median income ($46,000 per year).  On the other hand, less people live in the entire state of Oregon than live in metropolitan Phoenix, where this article is being written. 

   Oh, but it's so rainy there, you scream. How could you stand it? I grew up in central Ohio. The annual rainfall in Columbus is 38 inches per year. You know what it is in Portland, Oregon? 36 inches per year. Guess how much rain we get in Phoenix. Less than eight inches. Hey, it's a desert. 

    Rest assured I'm not moving any time soon, if ever. But if I were to do so, right now Oregon looks pretty good indeed. Just don't tell anybody.