The great-great-great-great grand children of my future imagination worked up the unmitigated temerity just the another night to put a question to Yours Truly, that silly-ass question that had a deeper meaning to it being nothing short of: "Dude, what's the best thing ever happened to ya?"
I didn't even have to so much as scratch my weary head to shout out the answer to that one. "February 19, 1971, you vile beasts!"
"What's so special about that day?" one of the young puds dared put forth.
I snarled a bit and dipped myself a tad more spinach out of the old receptacle. I studied the lad--or lass; who knows which?--and said, "That was the day, you young pole cat, when Apple Records released something called a 45 rounds per minute single recording, which was stupidly called that. It should have been called a double because it had one song on each of its two sides. The A side was the song the cretins in charge figured you wanted to hear and in those days that was all too often correct, the B side being some sludge that was so pathetic it didn't even make its way onto an album, an old trick picked up in those days by the likes of Elton John so that fans who figured they needed every last dollop of dog drool put out by these so-called amazing artists would have to buy the album and the single--usually, as I say, the whole process was a calculated rip-off. Anyway, in this particular case, things worked bass-ackwards, as we used to say in those glorious days of yore. In this instance it was the A side that sucked the cat's pee-pee, being some piece of mindless gruel called "Another Day." It was all sing-songy and wasn't actually about anything in particular except this woman who works in an office and doesn't much care for it. In a way the song was kind of punk in its influences, meaning that it took something supposedly trivial and made it presumably important. But the melody was so goldarned tedious that you just wanted to die and the vocal was so uninspired you'd have to scratch your head and wonder if all those people who claimed the singer, Paul McCartney, was dead were right all along. I mean, even his old partner, John Lennon, wrote a great and nasty reply to that one called "How Do You Sleep," that's how bad it was."
Then the kids all pushed forward and one of them snarled, "Is there a point to this?"
"Oh, sure. Well, it was the B-side, as I say, where the real jewel was carefully hidden. The song was called "Oh Woman Oh Why" and it was everything that the A-side song was not. The drumming, for instance, was amateurish in the extreme and believe it or not that was a good thing because for too long McCartney had been relying on technique instead of raw emotion. The bass line quivered all over and there was a jangling and distorted guitar quaking across the room, but what I really liked was the vocal, a scratchy, raspy, anguished bit of brouhaha that forty-odd years later I still cannot make out. McCartney had made his bones doing Little Richard impressions with the Fabs, but this here tune was on the stratosphere without oxygen compare to any vocal he'd ever sung before. The words came out sounding like this: WELL I TOLD HER I WAS TRYNA BREAK HER SPELL, which was about all you could make out and then only if the wind was favorable. Then his wife Linda, who was only on the song so that Paul could legitimately pay her singer royalties and thereby nudge a bit of the profits from the parent company, she came back all puny, singing BREAK HER SPELL, as if those were the most poignant words in the whole human lexicon. The Paul goes BUT I CAIN'T GET BY MY HANDS ARE TIED I DONT KNOW WHY BUT IF I WANNA YOU WANNA GOODBYE IF YOU TAKE MY LIFE! Then the song burst out with what such a burst of shit that it sounded like a burst of fire from a cheap revolver about three times, sort of staggered.
"I think the disc jockey who originally played this earlier the same day I bought it got fired for having the nerve to tune it up and is probably all these years later still doing time in a penal institution. I knew right away this song was something special so I turned the big bad stereo machine to Mach-Ten Power Boost, grabbed my drum sticks, sat on my stool right in from of my horrible Ludwig trap set and the song and my accompaniment were not even half over when the first window of my room exploded outward. I kept right on wailing away with my sticks, screaming myself hoarse as I tried like hell to copy those simple licks: Duh duh-duh duh-duh/duh duh-duh duh-duh. Any child could have played it and yet the emotional involvement of McCartney--who clearly played every instrument on the song--blew my mind out the back of my head, even as a second window exploded from the heat.
"Bear in mind this was happening before noon and the guy who lived across the street, a nice fellow, slept days and there I was, the clown of the neighborhood, screeching myself hoarse for no good reason other than simply being in awe of the rawness of this little sixty-seven cent masterpiece. I stood up to play the drums about the third round through and saw through the broken window that Vernon--that was his name--was standing on his front porch, yelling with all his might and shaking his fist in a very threatening way. Still I could not be deterred. I played it a fourth time and a fifth. I played it so many times that day that by the end of the week I had to go get another copy, one that I still have. The damned thing even had the words 'I AM' in a little triangle surrounding the run-out groove of the record and all kinds of other little mysteries that were all the rage way back when."
The littlest of the tribe shouted at me, "You fucked some old guy out of a good day's sleep and destroyed your family's windows. For that you're happy?"
Kids these days have no sense of propriety.
I responded, "Yep. Not because the neighbor was disturbed, no, but if that had been a jackhammer out there on the street making a racket he wouldn't have said a word. If an airplane had been roaring overhead, that would have been acceptable. Why should fun be any less tolerated? And while you try to come up with an answer to that, just keep asking yourself if you wouldn't love to hear what in your great-great-great-whatever's opinion is the all-time gut sloshing marvel of a masterpiece of a record?"
The little bastards took off and I didn't expect to hear from them anytime soon. But sure as cat shit is mean in the summer, all at once I heard that all-too familiar drum pattern, that warbling bass and that jagged guitar lick. You know what else? That's right. I'm gonna need to get some new windows.
Hot Pages
- And The New American Idol Is…
http://music.yahoo.com/blogs/reality-rocks/american-idol-pp-020144311....photo: FoxWell, after four months and a record-setting 132 million votes, it's official: Phillip Phillips is the 11th American Idol. It's hardly the most surprising finale result in "Idol" history--since many pundits (myself included) had him pegged as the winner the moment he entered the audition room--but it's not one without controversy.music.yahoo.com - Prep cheerleader laughs at own misfortune after epic cheer FAIL
http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/highschool-prep-rally/prep-cheerleader-l...Sometimes it's important to remember that cheerleading can be a cruel and dangerous sport. There's ample proof of that in the video below. | To be fair, Prep Rally has no idea who the unfortunate cheerleader who happened to either A) kick herself in the head, or B) slip in untimely circumstances, actually was.sports.yahoo.com - Should This Little Girl's Big Bow Be Banned? 4-year-old's Hairstyle Sparks School Drama
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/little-girls-big-bow-banned-4-old-hai...Should This Little Girl's Big Bow Be Banned? 4-year-old's Hairstyle Sparks School Drama | Parenting - Yahoo! Shine Skip to search. New User? Register Sign In Help Preview Mail w/ Y! Toolbar Notifications Notifications Help Mail My Y! Yahoo! Shine from Yahoo! Search Search Web Today The Thread The Ellen Show financially fit Moments of Motherhood vitality Anderson Cooper Secrets to Your Success Team Mom News Daily Shot with Ali Wentworth Election 2012 Discover Britain Shine Latina Style Fashion Beauty Theshine.yahoo.com - America decaffeinated: The great Starbucks outage of 2012
http://bottomline.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/05/23/11836348-america-deca...Bleary-eyed customers who stumble into their local Starbucks every morning did so literally Wednesday. That's because hundreds of the coffee chain's stores nationwide were closed. | The forced decaffeination of America's morning commuters was due to overnight maintenance work at stores across the country that wasn't finished on time for the morning rush, Maggie Jantzen, a spokeswoman for Starbucks, told NBC station WCMH of Columbus, Ohio.bottomline.msnbc.msn.com - Woman mistaken as dead 6 years ago now married; husband to be deployed to Afghanistan
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/mistaken-identity-woman-now-lives-...Whitney Cerak, left, and Laura Van Ryn, when both were students at Taylor University. The family of Cerak was incorrectly … | Whitney Cerak lives a pretty normal life nowadays. Which seems just fine with her. | Six years after being mistaken for dead, Cerak is now a wife and mother. In fact, she married her soldier boyfriend, Matt Wheeler, in the same church where her family had held her funeral. | When Matt Lauer of "Today" asked her to reflect for a piece about her life, Cerak said.news.yahoo.com - Australian Becomes World’s Richest Woman, Mag Says
http://www.cnbc.com/id/47536652/First, Bill Gates lost the "world's richest man" crown to Carlos Slim, the Mexican businessman. Now, according to Australia's BRW magazine, Gina Rinehart - the Australian mining magnate - has become the world's richest woman. She takes the crown from Wal-Mart heiress Christy Walton, who held the title of world's richest woman for seven years. | According to BRW's 2012 Rich 200 List, Ms. Rinehart's net worth is now $29.7 billion. That tops Ms. Walton's $26 billion pile. Ms.www.cnbc.com - Massive great white shark launches frenzied attack next to fishing boat
http://www.grindtv.com/outdoor/blog/33674/startling+great+white+shark+...Massive great white shark launches frenzied attack next to fishing boat GrindTV.com - Outdoor Outdoor GrindTV Yahoo! Sports Search GrindTV GRINDTV Home HOME Skate SKATE Surf SURF Snow SNOW Moto MOTO Bike BIKE Film FILM Style STYLE Outdoor OUTDOOR More MORE GrindTV Blog GrindTV Blog Weekly Grind Weekly Grind All Videos All Videos All Photos All Photos All Athletes All Athletes All Brands All Brands All Links All Links All Users All Users All Contests All Contests Upload Video Upload Video Outdoor Home ...www.grindtv.com - From Occupy Frankfurt. The German police took off their helmets and marched with the protest clearing the way for them.
http://imgur.com/vtK2BImgur is used to share photos with social networks and online communities, and has the funniest pictures from all over the Internet. | 64 points : 17,616 views : 24 hours agoimgur.com - Eight Of Maxim Hot 100 Ladies With Sports Ties
http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/list/201205/maxim-hot-100s-sports-ties...The former MTV personality has been connected at the hip with now-husband and New York Knicks star Carmelo Anthony for years. | The daughter of the greatest hockey player of all time has made waves that her dad hasn't exactly loved, but that hasn't stopped her from continuing to rock the boat. | One of tennis' best, Wozniacki is still in search of her first major. She's also the girlfriend of golf superstar Rory McIlroy.www.thepostgame.com - Miami Heat's Udonis Haslem suspended one game, Dexter Pittman suspended three games
http://espn.go.com/nba/playoffs/2012/story/_/id/7965351/2012-nba-playo...INDIANAPOLIS -- The NBA has come down hard on Miami Heat players Udonis Haslem and Dexter Pittman, suspending them for retaliatory flagrant fouls during Game 5 of their playoff series with the Indiana Pacers on Tuesday night. | Haslem was suspended by NBA executive vice president Stu Jackson for Thursday's Game 6 and Pittman was suspended for three games.espn.go.com - http://social.entertainment.msn.com/tv/blogs/reality-tv-blog.aspx?blog...Reality TV Go to the MSN homepage More Autos Careers & Jobs Celebrities Delish Entertainment Games Glo Health, Diet & Fitness Living Local Edition Money News msnNOW Real Estate & Rentals Sports Travel Video Weather White Pages Full MSN Index Hotmail Inbox Calendar Contacts Send e-mail Messenger Bing � ENTERTAINMENT Bing Search TV | Web | Images | Video | News | Maps | Shopping HOME CELEBS MOVIES showtimes in theaters coming soon find a movie trailers reviews top box office dvd news photos blogs TV tv ...social.entertainment.msn.com
- Wingman: British Stuntman Gary Connery Skydives Without Parachute
http://news.sky.com/home/strange-news/article/16233460Gary Connery, 42, leapt 2,400ft from a helicopter while wearing a specially made "wing suit" and swooped towards a "runway" of 18,600 cardboard boxes in an Oxfordshire field. | Five seconds before he hit the target he flared his suit to decrease his descent and glide angle before plunging into the boxes to break his fall. | "It was so comfortable, so soft," Mr Connery told Sky News immediately afterwards.news.sky.com - Keyboard Cat Redux - YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tu0qtEwb9gENo description available. | Pets & Animals | Standard YouTube License | Keyboard Cat 10 hours | by TehN1ppe | 3,797,551 views | funny human dog | by monscon | 1,954,839 views | KIDS REACT to Keyboard Cat | by TheFineBros | 2,492,630 views | funny picture COMPILATION by roflpix.com | by roflpix | 13,591,918 views | KIRboard Cat | by kirstenlepore | 269,710 views | Super Keyboard Cat Bros. | by judebuffum | 1,419,016 views | Keyboard Cat vs.www.youtube.com - The Facebook IPO – US Business News — Facebook Weighs Possible Listing With NYSE: Sources
http://www.cnbc.com/id/47540162Is Facebook | In the wake of a series of embarrassing technical glitches that marred Facebook's first day of trading on the Nasdaq | While these people say that multiple NYSE officials have reached out to Facebook regarding such a move, the NYSE maintains that "no discussions" have taken place, nor would those discussions "be appropriate at this time." Facebook remains open to engage in these discussions, according to people familiar with the matter.www.cnbc.com - Iran: Discovery will collapse Christianity
http://www.wnd.com/2012/05/iran-discovery-will-collapse-christianity/By Reza Kahlili | Iran's Basij Press is claiming that a version of the Gospel of Barnabas, found in 2000, will prove that Islam is the final and righteous religion and the revelation will cause the collapse worldwide of Christianity. | Turkey confiscated a leather-bound text, written on animal hide, in an anti-smuggling operation in 2000. Turkish authorities believe the text could be an authentic version of the Gospel of Barnabas, one of Jesus' apostles and an associate of the apostle Paul.www.wnd.com - Google
http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en&tab=wwSearch the world's information, including webpages, images, videos and more. Google has many special features to help you find exactly what you're looking for. | © 2012 - Privacy & Terms | Come here often? Make Google your homepage. | Upgrade to a modern browser and see what this doodle can really do. | Advertising ProgramsBusiness Solutions+GoogleAbout Googlewww.google.com
1 comment:
You and your readers might be interesting in finding out about my "Weed Out Hate; Sow the Seeds of Peace initiative, which calls upon two billion children of world to symbolically root out a weed of hatred to pay tribute to Dr. Maritn Luther King, Jr.
Post a Comment