Both Wil Cardon and Jeff Flake are running for the U.S. Senate seat on the Republican ticket for the state of Arizona. The November election will replace the position of retiring Arizona Senator and hateful crackpot John Kyl. Evidently some Democrats are also running a candidate named Richard Carmona, who just happens to have been the Surgeon General of the United States, but the local news has largely ignored that fact, what with the state media being in the control of the GOP, a leisure service of the Corporations Industry.
While most of the PhilroPost readership happily exists outside the state of Arizona, we thought it might be instructive to engage the two leading Republican candidates in a nonexistent debate about which of the two is actually the more conservative candidate, what with that single issue being the evident hallmark of the primary campaign, the voting for which will take place of August 28.
We fictitiously brought both men together at the Arizona Biltmore Hotel for an informal debate where only one question was asked: Which of you boys is more conservative?
Wil Cardon: I am the conservative candidate. I'm from the city of Mesa, which as you know, has a huge Mormon population. Mormons are good, decent and honorable people who had nothing whatsoever to do with murdering our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Heck, I attended Brigham Young University. Even Sanka is against the law there. I've been married to at least one woman that I know of, and my wife (or wives) and I have produced the mandated five children, all of them white as snow. In addition, I'm a businessman. That means I'm a job creator. What type of business? The real estate investment business. That means we sell insurance. Insurance is intangible. You can't go to your window and see it, so it doesn't create eyesores for the community. Finally, I hate the idea of immigration, legal, illegal, or otherwise, particularly immigration into this country by people from Mexico. Shoot, you cannot get any more conservative than that.
Jeff Flake: I'm a career politician who works to make himself obsolete. The truth is that I, Jeff Flake, born in Snowflake, from which half of my last name derives, am the most conservative member of the House of Representatives. That's a good thing. Here's why. I criticize government waste. What's government waste? Government waste is anything I don't like, such as Medicare, Social Security, housing for the poor, food stamps, really anything that keeps the working class of this country alive. Most people believe that this country needs a working class. That type of narrow thinking is simply counter-productive and basically socialistic in its framework. If everyone were to be a millionaire, like me, why, there'd be no need for a working class. I'm not a wild-eyed revolutionary, like my opponent, so what I say is that we starve off the working class and then everyone will be rich. Yay.
Wil Cardon: My opponent claims to be against waste. He's not being truthful. Just look at his name. His name is Jeff. Okay. How many letter Fs does one man need? One should be sufficient. My first name is Wil. Some people need to add an unnecessary second L to that name. I say that is the kind of redundant and wasteful thinking that has gotten us into the age of Obama, the age of big government, and the age of rage.
Jef Flake: I want to go on record right now by pointing out that I have already revised the spelling of my first name, a simple typographical error committed by my own parents, two of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet.
Wil Cardon: Sure, but you are pro amnesty!
Jef Flake: No, Wil. I am pro business. The reason I believe in granting Mexicans the right to come to this country is because I realize that with millions of undocumented workers here, businesses will be able to illegally hire them and that means we can help keep down the wages and drive wedges into the remnants of the despicable labor movement that threatens to prevent everybody left from becoming a millionaire. See, Wil, a smart guy like myself knows that you have to have a problem before you can solve it. I like to create problems and then jump up and solve them. So, yes, I want to increase immigration so that we can then drive down wages. Once the working class has been destroyed, then and only then can we tackle what will be a swarming horde of Mexicans. I already intend to ignite a private corporation with the impetus of sending all the illegals I have welcomed here back home by no later than 2020.
Wil Cardon: Oh yeah? Well, if I'm the party's nominee, I'll repeal Obamacare.
Jef Flake: Aw, repeal this, fat boy.
Wil Cardon: What did you say to me, Flakeman?
Jef Flake: Fat, redheaded and freckled is no way to go through live, chubster.
Wil Cardon: You need to go to church.
Jef Flake: Go eat some Hostess Twinkies.
Wil Cardon: I'm a big guy, yes, but what I'm big on is law and order.
Jef Flake: Hey, I'm as intolerant of minority groups as anyone who ever lived. The difference is that I'm smart enough to know how to exploit them and you are not. Yay.
Wil Cardon: But I--
Jef Flake: Nanny nanny noo-noo.
Wil Cardon: I support the Iraq War.
Jef Flake: It's over, brain dead.
Wil Cardon: Exactly! We need to bring it back. And if I'm elected--
Jef Flake: God help us all.
Wil Cardon: Shut up!
Jef Flake: Cry baby.
Wil Cardon: I persecute Jews! Okay? How's that? I'm the conservative candidate because I persecute Jews! Top that, you fairy!
Jef Flake: My predictable and repressed sexual orientation has nothing to do with this debate.
Wil Cardon: You're right. Yes. I apologize.
Jef Flake: Pussy.
Wil Cardon: Say that again!
Jef Flake: Being against the Jew is not being conservative, Mr. Wil-With-One-L. Being conservative means that you help protect and defend the state of Israel so that we can ensure the inevitable Armageddon as predicted by Saint John the Divine. Of course, you wouldn't know about that, what with your revisionist theology.
Wil Cardon: I admit that I am superstitious. I believe in faith over facts. I believe in things that I don't understand so I suffer.
Jef Flake: Whereas I am more of a realpolitik apparatchik.
Wil Cardon: Jesus Christ. The dude doesn't even speak English, does he?
Jef Flake: I speak a language the American people understand. I speak the language reflected in the discordant philosophy that opposes big government as long as we're talking about regulations on business. Now, when it comes to what goes on in people's bedrooms, I'm far more conservative than anyone alive. My first act as the United States Senator from the great state of Arizona will be to gather up all those highway cameras and put them, where they belong, in people's houses. We have a terrorist problem in this country, my chubby friend. And that problem is the American people.
Wil Cardon: Yeah, but I'm a job creator.
Jef Flake: Bullshit, you are.
Wil Cardon: He cussed! He cussed!
Jef Flake: Aw, go milk a cat.
Wil Cardon: I was the school bully. Honest, I was!
Jef Flake: Really?
Wil Cardon: No. Not really. But I always wanted to be.
Jef Flake: [Sniff.] Yes. Me too. At last we have found common ground.
At this point everyone in attendance at this nonexistent event began humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and the universe simply atrophied into a last wheezing drone before vanishing in a moist whisper, spinning and spinning in the widening gyre.
After a pleasant dinner, both men stopped off at the local mud wrestling venue for a glass of wine and some harmless chatter.