The piriformis syndrome is a condition in which the piriformis muscle irritates the sciatic nerve, causing extreme pain in the ass and referring pain along the course of the sciatic nerve. This referred pain, called sciatica, usually goes down the back of the thigh and into the lower back. Those afflicted generally complain of pain deep in the gluteus maximus, a condition made worse by sitting, climbing stairs, or performing fellatio. The piriformis muscle assists in abducting and laterally rotating the thigh. Try it yourself. While balancing on the left foot, move your right leg directly sideways away from the body and rotate the right leg so that the toes point towards the ceiling. Uncomfortable, isn't it? This is the action of the right piriformis muscle.
A case in point, which ends up having a happy ending, goes like this: A couple days ago I was down at the local inconvenience store buying some overpriced soda product in order to keep the neurons firing for another day. One of the few indulgences I allow myself is to have a few moments worth of chat time with a woman who works the counter there. Her name is Jessica. I may have written of her elsewhere. It's nothing serious; indeed, it borders on the harmless; nothing more or less than some unabashed flirtation that takes up all of about fifteen seconds a day. Still, it's something to which I look forward and unless someone is standing behind me in line checking his watch, I allow this indulgence.
However, one of Jessica's coworkers, a guy named Tim, is a big dumb blob of pusillanimous protoplasm. Suffering as he does from the ability to inflict the above malady onto others, he interrupted my brief chat with Jessica the other day by walking up to her and saying, "Hey, did you see the fifty that guy tried to give me?"
I admit it. You take away one of my very few indulgences, I'm likely to show that I'm annoyed. I reached over the counter, tugged on Tim's shirt and said, "Hey! She's talking to me right now. Got it?"
He slinked away like the wormy little platter of puke that he is.
This morning I was back at the inconvenience store and there was Jessica, cute as always. I said something about the co-worker. He was not in the store.
She replied, "Yes. After you left, he asked if you were in a bad mood or something. So, I explained that the customer always comes first. He needs to learn to wait."
"Good! Good for--"
"I can only hear out of one ear, you know."
I had not known that. I would likely have never known that had the situation not occurred.
So it's good to stand up to pains in the ass. Good therapy is what it is. You see, even if I should have handled the whole minor situation in a more diplomatic and "positive," loving way, the fact is that dealing with it in some way is the healthiest thing in the world and it prevents a professional pain in the ass from getting away with it. That's significant because these pain in the ass people cause cancer. Believe it, pal.
How do they do that? They do that by enlisting their idiot sycophantic friends to write articles about how to get along with difficult people. I've got news for the professional piriformis people out there: You need to learn how to get along with us; not the other way around. Take a class on social skills. Get your aspergers disorder fixed. Become an accountant. No one cares. Just stop aggravating the rest of us with your complete and total disregard for the feelings of others, however pathological that disregard may be. Some of us, you see, will not repress our impulses to set things right because we know that repression causes us to get sick.
We are not getting sick on account of tolerating your obnoxious behavior.
This is far more important than the example at the store would suggest. The reason it's so important is because it actually is pathological. Indeed, it exemplifies the very concept of pathology: The inability or unwillingness to feel.
And that is important primarily because it emphasizes the fact that a guy I know, or thought I knew, messed over a friend of mine, someone I actually do know, and that messer of minds, beneath contempt as he is, will most likely discover to his horror that he has been forced to return to a life of existing on his knees pressed against cold concrete floors while he offers blow jobs to men in the hope that they will not beat him to death. This guy, let's call him Brando (although that is not his name), is a scammer, a liar, a fraud, a shill, a well-dressed stall for a lousy pickpocket, a punk and a soon-to-be-majorly-depressed slab of stupidity. A lot of people prefer to allow nature or the universe to deal out vital justice to this type of paramecium. Those are wise people indeed. I, however, have never been accused of wisdom. At the same time, I am not foolish enough to put into words what I expect to see happen to Brando. I can only say that he will not much like it.
Matter of fact, I expect him to be very uncomfortable with prison life. Oops! I've gone and tipped my hand. And with the DELETE key so nearby, it's surely a wonder I'd allow such a thing to go out over the Internet. Gosh, let's hope none of this gets back to him.
What makes the Professional Piriformis People so reprehensible is that they do not care that they have shattered the tender dreams of those from whom they swindle. Some of these malicious fools have already been locked up for their endeavors and I shed no tears for them. Stealing from a person is one thing. It's wrong, but may be vindicated by circumstance. Stealing from me is just plain stupid. But stealing the hard work and illustrious dreams of my friends is suicide, oh my brother.
Here is another recent example, one which transpired at the very same inconvenience store I mentioned early. Because my roommate and I live in what might charitably called a not wonderful neighborhood, I made a rule that she cannot go to the store after dark. You see, there's all manner of miscreant lurking in the night time shadows outside that store, most of them quite harmless, but all of them troublesome to some degree because in the shadows it's impossible to tell the panhandler from the knife-wielding sociopath.
Anyway, the other night the roommate needed cigarettes and I told her I would go to the store to get them. She sighed and acquiesced. I walked down there and noticed as I rounded the corner that some guy in a long and heavy coat had his hands shoved deep into his coat pockets and was watching me from beneath the brim of his lowered cap. Well, you see one lunatic, you've seen them all. Passing him I mumbled something about it being summertime in Phoenix and he did not reply. I went inside, paid for the smokes, and saw that the guy was still leaning against the brick wall as I walked by. His hands were still deep in his pockets. Yet he was very slowly beginning to bring them out. My mother not having raised any fools who lived, I decided it was better to face potential trouble than to have my back to it. I spun on my heels and said, "If your hands come out of there with anything besides your fingers, I'm gonna feed it to you."
He froze.
See, in the world of the Professional Piriformis People, the potential victim is not supposed to fight back. He is not supposed to be thin skinned. He is supposed to just grin while his door is kicked in.
The guy froze.
I ventured one step closer. He still didn't move. "Well?" I said.
He whispered, "Just gone scratch muh head." He pulled out his hands. They were empty.
I ended up giving the dude a dollar for a soft drink. Call it liberal guilt.
Pause for laughter while the writer copes with his shame at being such a hothead.
It's hard to know when the bad guys are really out there because no one really wants to get taken and so we snipe at otherwise innocent people whose only crime is social awkwardness or a lapse in etiquette. I've done it, you've done it, the guy next door does it on a regular basis. What I think we need to guard against--besides the unwarranted influence of the military industrial complex (thanks, Ike!)--is assuming that just because we're frightened it necessarily means that someone is messing with us. That kind of reactive process leads to road rage, food fights, voting for Romney, and the gunfight at the OK Corral. So, for God's sake, do not be like me.
If you disregard this cautionary plea, however, I have some hints I'll be happy to share. Off line.
Not really.
Probably not.
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