Jainey Jo Olson: Yes indeed, boys and girls, women and men, living and dead of all ages, it is time once again to drop your iPods in the toilet, chew off your pencil erasers and move your hands away from your genitals because right here for the first time once again we have all gathered around the video prompter to play "What Does That Mean?" Tonight's special guests include retired disco ingenue and celebrated political analyst Wendy Rococo, famed defense attorney Gerry Spence, and rocket scientist Werner von Braun, the man so many of us mistook for deceased. And now, the wandering troubadour for truth, the man who took the unraveling of obfuscation out behind the barn and came back alone, your host and mine, Phil Mershon!
Phil Mershon: Thank you, Jainey Jo Olson, and of course our studio audience, as well as those of you watching at home from your sterilized cocoons. As you can see, tonight we have assembled three fine minds to unravel what exactly is being said and by whom. Let's start with legal mastermind, Gerry Spence. Love those fringes, my friend.
Gerry Spence: Thank you, sir. May I say that I admire your Keds? Socks, this evening?
Phil Mershon: Certainly not. Gerry, as you have no doubt heard, the Assad government in Syria is said by many to have used chemical and other weapons of mass destruction against thousands of its own people. In response, today Secretary of State John Kerry said the following.
[John Kerry via video]: "The U.S. government knows that at least 1,429 people, including 426 children, were killed in the attack. The U.S. knows that Assad’s regime has use chemical weapons multiple times this year. The U.S. intelligence assessment is based on evidence collected from thousands of sources. It was reached by officials mindful of the Iraq experience.”
Phil: Gerry Spence, what we want to know is. . .
Audience: What does that mean?!?
Gerry: It's brilliant, really, the way the administration is going out of its way to distance itself from the deceptions of its predecessors. Unfortunately, what I hear in that statement is that Kerry, who, before he got old and in the way, was somewhat opposed to contrived military scenarios, is simply attempting to create a sentiment in this country that will say, "You've been lied to before, by Republicans and Democrats alike. This time, before we lie to you, we want to make sure you've actually seen the videos of children suffering and dying." That way the administration can shift the moral decision from the question of whether it's appropriate to respond to an inhumane provocation in a military manner or by some other means, shift it to a decision of what degree of military response shall we take. And what that means, Phil, is that they have already made a decision. In other words, some armed response will be forthcoming.
Phil: Wendy, your vote on Gerry's interpretation? Remember, this will be for five points.
Wendy: I think what we're forgetting is that Kerry used to be a Senator or something, right? Plus, if I'm not mistaken, he's married to Heinz 57 million dollar sauce, you know? So when big John struts it out, baby, you just know his pillow's got the fluff.
Phil: His pillow's got the fluff?
Wendy: That's right, sugar.
Phil: General van Braun, your thoughts, sir?
Werner: I'm dead, you idiot!
Wendy: Not according to your pants, sugar.
Werner: Bah!You make an old man blush, my dear.
Phil: Wendy Rococo, this next bit of subterfuge is for you. This week, Dr. Cornell West appeared on Tavis Smiley's radio program to talk about the commemoration of the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington. During the broadcast, Dr. West had this to say.
[Cornell via radio transmission]:“We saw the coronation of the bonafide house Negro of the Barack Obama plantation, our dear brother Al Sharpton, whose decline was supported by [MSNBC analyst] Michael Dyson and others who’ve prostituted themselves in a very ugly and vicious way."
Phil: Wendy, what was Cornell West really saying there?
Wendy: I'm glad you asked me that question, Phil, and I'll tell you why. You know I love the President, right? Well, I think that if anybody's vying for the position of house n-word, it might just be Dr. West. I don't know who that Dyson guy is.
Gerry: Wendy, Wendy, if I may? I think my esteemed friend Cornell was saying that the so-called contemporary civil rights movement lacks some of the courage brought to it by men such as Dr. King.
Wendy: What's you know about it, fringe cuffs?
Werner: Bah! She got you on that one, Copas.
Gerry: I thought you were dead?
Werner: Oops. Sorry.
Wendy: You saying we got tamed by the fame and the flame of financial success? That what you saying?
Gerry: What I'm saying is that there is no civil rights movement today in large part because the leadership was, first, literally assassinated, and second, because it assassinated itself with the aggrandizement of young men and women bent on rising above their class rather than with it.
Wendy: So no brother or sister gets to be rich unless we all gets rich?
Gerry: When the suggestion becomes that getting rich is the only way to achieve parity with the dominant class, then, yes, I see that as a betrayal of the interests of all people, black, brown, yellow and white.
Wendy: Listen, fringe cuffs, you ever been high?
Phil: On advice of council, Gerry, do not answer that question. Our final exposition tonight is in regards to Kenneth Bae, an American citizen and Christian missionary sentenced this week to fifteen years hard labor in North Korea for what that country's legal force calls subversion. In response, former Chicago Bulls forward Dennis Rodman says he thinks he can get Bae released.
[Dennis Rodman via video]: "I will definitely ask for Kenneth Bae’s release. I will say, ‘Marshal, why is this guy held hostage?’ I could try and soften it up in that way. If the Marshal says, ‘Dennis, you know, do you want me to let him loose?’ and then if I actually got him loose – and I’m just saying this out the blue – I’d be the most powerful guy in the world.”
Phil: Werner von Braun, what is Dennis really saying there?
Werner: Look, you Americans are all a crazy bunch of kooks. To be superior to the normal crazy head, you must have what you call ego. The North Korean President, Kim Jong-um, he is a maniac, yes? This basketball player with the ink job, he gets to rule the net being shy? Herr Furher, whatever one may say of him, he had ego to spare. So this Rodman fellow--even his name is suggestive of brute animus--he wants to be the one with power. He hangs out with pornographers from Asia, brutal dwarfs with too much free time, heads of state. He tells dirty jokes to TMZ. They laugh with him as we laugh at him. But what do I know? I've been dead for years.
Wendy: Don't you put yourself down, sugar. You got that whole song and dance just right, baby.
Gerry: Maybe we should have a game show about what the hell Wendy and Werner are saying.
Wendy: You stay off my show, cowboy hat.
Phil: You folks won't believe this. That's par for the course, I suppose. We have a three-way tie. That means that the first contestant to leap into the arms of a second contestant while tickling to death the third contestant wins this week's yet-to-be-determined grand prize. Oh dear! This is getting messy. Tune in next week to find out--Ouch! Hey, I'm not part of this, you bastards! Werner! Put me down!