Written by Lisa Ann Goodrich Klein Terzo etc.
So, I was talking to my husband the other day and I said, “RUDOLPH! What the hell is going on around here??!!!”
He had the audacity to ask me who Rudolph was, since his name was Henry.
So I said, “HENRY, what the hell is going on around here and where is Rudolph???”
He had the audacity to say he didn’t know.
So I said, “DON’T you think it’s time you found out?”
Well HE DID no such thing.
He called up some relative person and her husband and asked them over for a visit.
So THEY came over and I served them delicious Tastee Kakes from my science oven.
THEY were ungrateful. And they asked why I kept putting TIN FOIL in the science oven.
Well, I told them that Rudolph SAID that is proper protocol when sissies come over with designer bags and whiskey!
THEY said they didn’t know who Rudolph was!
So I said, “DON’T you THINK YOU should find out??? Gawd you people are STUPID!”
Soo..then the female sissy had to use the powder room that I recently redesigned thanks to the helpful real people on my very expensive television that I got at the flea market last week. SHE thought it was WISE to flush a FEMININE product down my perfectly clean toilet which I cleaned with a product I obtained from the neighbor who is not nuts. And, well then the shit hit the fan. Being that the POWDER room is upstairs over top of my beautiful beige and light blue living room, the toilet crashed through the ceiling, crushing the faux-banana-frond fan I had installed to save power on my power and water bill.
SHE said she was sorry.
I said she was indeed sorry and should put her underwear back on and mop up the floor while I contacted Amy’s List for a RELIABLE plumber.
Henry drank the whiskey.
Meanwhile, the male sissy was in the back-yard peeing on my neatly trimmed hedges because he obviously couldn’t use the powder room and he didn’t know we had a custom out-house with catalogs. My dog (the resin replica Boston Terrier I got from a sale at the garden store so I didn’t have to take care of a real dog) looked on in amusement. He didn’t understand the disrobing.
Henry admired the male sissy’s tramp stamp.
I told the boy to find his underwear.
During ALL OF THIS NONSENSE...I was on hold with Amy’s List. My computer wasn’t working as I had left it at a shop I had found at Amy’s List, so I had to use the telephone. I used Henry’s because he had more minutes than I did and he didn’t really mind because he is just dumb.
Henry was STILL drinking the whiskey.
SO ANYWAY...if you people could please stop interrupting me I will TRY to finish this. Sheesh.
So ya….I got a plumber list from Amy’s list and wrote it down in my steno pad. I always keep steno pads because they have lines in the middle so I can make two lists if I need to. AND so, I called one of the bastards up and told him about the fan and the shit.
He asked if I had whiskey.
I told him that I would ask Henry, but I did have traveler’s checks left over from 1985.
He showed up.
Plumbers from Amy’s List have to wear name badges on their shirts so you know they’re plumbers and not piano tuners.
When the doorbell chimed, (a tune I personally wrote, by the way) I opened the door to greet a snappy young man with the required name badge.
I walked him into the house and gathered the Henry and sissies around, pointed to the man’s shirt badge and said THIS…..DAMN YOU. IS RUDOLPH!
Really, his badge said Rudy….but he had told me at a trade show last week that his full name was Rudolph.
Rudolph, the world's best dressed plumber.