Friday, June 24, 2016


   Everyone in America finally had a gun. The NRA issued a Derringer along with the child's birth certificate. Girls were upgraded with AR-15s for their Quinceaneras, while boys received M-16s with their driver's licences. And sure enough the rate of death by gunfire really did drop to zero--for about a half hour. Then the ammunition manufacturers stepped up and things returned to normal. While back in the twentieth century, the United states had logged a paltry 33,000 deaths per year by gun play, by 2036 we were taking some quiet pride in reducing the population to the tune of 390,000 per year. 
   That statistic did not include cannon fire. 
   Every home was mandated to position a minimum of four cannons per half acre yard, each of the major four directions being under aim around the clock. 
   Everyone of legal age owned an automobile. A driver could get a vehicle in any color he or she desired, as long as that color was red. But even with that minor restriction, many specific hues existed. Indeed, a healthy driver could avail anything from Alizarin Red to Vermilion Red and several dozen shades in between. 
   Even with global warming and solar power being debunked as perhaps the most foolish hoaxes of all time, local temperatures did continue to rise. According to the few scientists remaining after the Great Purge of 2018, the ocean temperatures had increased seven degrees Fahrenheit since the beginning of the century. Our home in the Republic of Phoenix had an average annual temp of 113 last year, but we didn't see the sense in complaining when all that really meant to us was that we had the privilege of paying higher nuclear-electric bills. After all, nuclear power was safer than milk used to be and it was actually a matter of patriotic duty to consume as much energy as we were expending. 
   It turned out that our leisure time had been the biggest problem. The issue was not so much the way we utilized the time, but the quantity of it. Americans lacking the initiative to work more than one job were only logging sixty hours of real employment each week. Of course, that was before the Taylor Revolution opened everyone's minds to just how intolerably lazy our ancestors had been. As of this writing, the average citizen of the United States was putting in ninety-five hours of honest work every week. Productivity being the driving force behind our economy, we finally tied with the Russians and the Chinese last year for the first time in recent history. While this helped make our Corporate Leaders reasonably happy, the benefit to Joe and Jill Citizen was more societal. With less leisure time to waste on things like vacations, cook-outs, procreation and other forms of entertainment, we had a lot less conflict than previous generations. I am happy to report that just last week, the United States was not involved in an armed conflict with a foreign people for seventeen consecutive hours. While I must delay confirmation of this, I believe this may represent the longest period of peace in our national history. 
   I do not want to give the impression that we Americans are lacking in free time. Why, just this morning the wife and I polished our 409 Interbal Cannons with a glorious cherry red veneer. For a moment I thought we might have to detonate the Northernmost Interbal, which would have decimated the house across the street. Mr. and Mrs. Faust were arguing again and I had warned them several times in the recent past that such deviations could not be tolerated. Fortunately, they paused to glance out their picture window and saw my wife smiling in their general direction. Apparently that was enough to squelch the disagreement. 
   I notice that I have been using the word "everybody" with rather a free hand. As we learn from the fourteenth volume of the Book of Taylor, the words "everybody," "everyone," "anyone," "anybody," and "people" properly refer to those individual families who reside in the suburbs. One of the few things the previous generation did get right had been a concern over urban sprawl. A certain number of humans have remained in the cities (urban labor force), just as a few have been relegated to the rural ghettos (food producers), but the idea of People has now thankfully acquired its proper denotation. This was necessary to facilitate the oversight of weaponry. In what had heretofore been a heterogeneous society, no one could feel certainty about the intents of a given person who might be approaching. "Good" and "bad" may have been an objective fact, but their proper perception was restricted to subjective interpretation, a condition which led to armed tensions, often among people who lived near one another. But with the migration of one racial group to the inner cities and another to the farms, that group most genetically comfortable in suburbs have no problem whatsoever understanding the mentalities of their neighbors. 
   While our neighborhoods may have returned to a state of homogeneous bliss, that remains a reward for which our most ambitious young people may aspire. In a rare instance of Classical Liberalism, the Samuel P. Huntington National Education System has revamped our private schools. Not only has the system agreed to subsidize the inclusion of a ten percent maximum of minority student inclusion in our facilities, but the very nature of education itself has been reinvented. The so-called pseudo sciences (social sciences) have been expunged from all curricula, as have bourgeois indulgences such as art, music, and higher mathematics. Regarding the latter, it has been pointed out by the current Educational Administrative Coventry that the arithmetic computations of subtraction and division are inherently counterrevolutionary and so have been abolished. In their places have been introduced, respectively, deduction and segregation. This, the Coventry realizes, provides a more "real world" integration between school and life. 
   Despite all these advancements, our country does remain the United States of America. As such, our current Corporate Leadership recognizes the vital role that limited religion plays in our acceptance of our earthly lots. The Leadership has, therefore, wisely accepted the wisdom of Harold Bloom and has therefore established two National Religions: The Kingdom of Jehovah and The Latter Day Saints, the only two formal religions indigenous to this country. In the old times, when two major political parties were sufficient to express what was then the accepted will of the People, so do we now embrace either of two spiritual means to accept the will of God. Just as a few malcontents in the form of syndicalist-anarchists whined that there was no substantive difference between the Democratic and Republican parties, so do a few spiritual misfits fail to appreciate any distinction between being a Jehovah's Witness and a practicing Mormon. As the Leadership has found necessary when suppressing other forms of ideational deviationism, the Supreme Council has meted out the appropriate levels of aversion therapy to these lost and misguided souls. The rest of us in the proud majority thank Almighty God for the blessing of our own understanding. 
   And so it has been an eventful year. Who among us alive in the early days of the Corporate Revolution imagined that the election of a failed casino racketeer, the obliteration of the European Union, the dismantling of NATO and the United Nations, the abandonment of conventional infrastructure and the acceptance of tunnels--who could have imagined that all these seemingly minor details would soon enough position what are now the three remaining nations of the world to agree to cooperate with one another in the promulgation of a tri-part Corporatist Utopia in only two decades? But indeed we did dream the impossible dream. And now we merely wait for all the birds to come home to roost.